Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

I am Ryann...

This is a unique experience, and I have decided to share my journey with you. sending my thoughts, feelings, and reflections into the vast emptiness of the cyber world. it's a release of sorts.
a cleanse.. to keep myself from being dragged into the nothingness.
My name is Ryann and I am on a journey... of self discovery and strength. I am learning to juggle the expectations with the stereotypes and struggles of the world of Exotic Dancing... some days it's not easy. This industry can physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually draining. No. it's not easy money.
To answer the questions everyone asks… why?
Because… I started dancing after too many years of financial frustration. Life landed me in a new town, where I knew no one, trying to juggle school and work. So I decided to dance. I want to live my life on my own terms. Because I want to get out of debt, and get through school. I want to earn my way, and at the end of the day know that I did it, that I don’t owe it to anyone else. Yes, I am an independent, ambitious, and intelligent woman. I take care of myself. Why there is still such a prevailing attitude that if you are independent and ambitious, and female! You obviously cannot be sexual?
I don’t strip because I have anything to prove, or low self-esteem, or addictions. It’s a means to an end, and I am NOT the exception. Now I am dealing with my expectations of myself. I am taking some time off school to get myself back on feet, emotionally and financially. However apparently it's one thing to say "I'm stripping while in school", but quite another to take a year or so off to be a stripper. Is it?
where did the idea come from that if you leave school you won't go back? Is this even relevant to my generation? In a society where tuition is increasing at an incredible rate, and the student loan debt is overwhelming, how many choices are there? Without wealthy parents to pay for everything the option is work, or spend 10 years of your life paying interest on a piece of paper instead of a mortgage.
So I dance.
Dating is hard. I was already thought of as too educated, too ambitious, too independent… now society looks at me as the next best thing to a whore. They love me, they worship me, they think I’m a doll or a whore, or a sparkling miracle in traumatized industry to idolize and encourage. sigh... it's bothering me today.
The distance is impossible, I'm constantly on the road. I'm in a different town every week. maintaining any sort of relationship under those circumstances is unrealistic at best. I get homesick, and I feel lost, and somedays I just want a hug.
but dating... I'm so afraid it's pointless, that I would just be setting myself up for disappointment. Being vulnerable sucks, and getting hurt sucks. Too many people cannot accept my life, and my reasons. Too many people judge. Too many people want to fuck the fantasy, and cannot see beyond the act.
really.. I'm just me.

1 Comments:

  • At 3:18 PM, Blogger Sin said…

    Finally someone who expresses what I feel through words.

     

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