Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Monday, February 19, 2007

pondering...

And here I am again pondering myself, my emotions, my detached determination and wondering who the fuck am I kidding?

I know what I need in my life right now. I know what I can’t handle. I know what I’m not willing to put myself through. Yet I care, and I know I care. I don’t want to lie to myself. I don’t want to be vulnerable. Sometimes comfort can lead to attachment, or something. I don’t really know what I’m saying, or if I even know how I’m feeling… but things with The Musician (formerly known as Whiskey) have been pretty intense this week.

I want to make excuses for his attention and write it off as circumstantial and meaningless. I know he’s just lonely and recovering from the loss of his familiar relationship… but I’m finding myself wondering how he actually feels about me. I don’t even know how I feel about him. I’ve avoided thinking about it for so long. I wonder if he ever thinks of me when he writes. I wonder if I’m irrelevant. I find myself wondering if the lyrics are ever about me, if there is a spot in his heart for me, and even if there is a place in mine for him.

I’m stuck. I actually don’t know how I feel. I don’t want to wreck it. I love what we have. He causes no drama in my life; he doesn’t break my heart (I won’t give him the chance). With him I can hide in the security of casual comfort.

But after two years of a roller coaster affair… there are bound to be attachments.

Am I just so cut off from the emotional reality that I can’t even see it? Have I lost touch with my own honesty? I know he’s not right for me, nor I for him. I know what we give each other is isolated, but not shallow... It’s something else. But for all my rationalizing and distance, I still wonder… Could I ever truly love him? Do I love him?

I don’t know.

I want to maintain this cool casual accepting attitude… and then I feel my stomach tighten with pangs of jealousy. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I care. Sometimes I just don’t give a fuck. Sometimes I’m totally accepting of reality. Sometimes I get jealous.

It’s just late night pondering… a result of proximity I guess. I just need to get it out, let it go, and remind myself of something… Remind myself of futility and pain?

It’s been a long time since I openly sat and watched him play in a room full of people. Surrounded by his friends, and fans, I’m intimately aware of how segregated our relationship is. It’s a secret, hidden in the shadows of stolen memories.

I’m having a human moment. Don’t worry- it’ll pass.

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3 Comments:

  • At 8:06 AM, Blogger Me is Newfie's Woman said…

    Hey girl, nothing wrong with having a human moment. Maybe yer scared to be hurt so badly that ya can't see whats in front of you maybe?? Maybe not. But one day when yer not looking, no amount of hiding or justifying it or pretending is gonna stop it. Yer gonna get blindsided by love and you will know it.. And with that comes all the pain, happiness, joy, extreme emotions and all.

    See, me had a wall build up for years that no one was ever gonna get through. And me was quite successful at keepin that brick wall intact. Until me got blindsided and down came the wall. Yeah, sometimes me wishes it would build up but me knows that's just frustration talking to me cuz me wouldnt be without him for all the money in the world.

     
  • At 3:06 PM, Anonymous rori said…

    It's amazing what complications that availability can create. I was nearly in a similar situation but we'd determined that we were incompatible before we'd wound up going out.

     
  • At 11:33 PM, Anonymous Gölök said…

    hmm, my joke was hateful, I guess Ryan; bloody hell, so much for being positive.

    (Limirik gag)

    best >:-{)>

    Gölök Zoltán Buday
    http://www.contact.myegotimes.com/
    "Bad speak is no speak enforced by a mass on an individual or even an
    individual onto another individual." -- Gölök Z. L. F. Buday.
    http://www.contact.being-ones-self.org/

     

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