pondering...

And here I am again pondering myself, my emotions, my detached determination and wondering who the fuck am I kidding?

I know what I need in my life right now. I know what I can’t handle. I know what I’m not willing to put myself through. Yet I care, and I know I care. I don’t want to lie to myself. I don’t want to be vulnerable. Sometimes comfort can lead to attachment, or something. I don’t really know what I’m saying, or if I even know how I’m feeling… but things with The Musician (formerly known as Whiskey) have been pretty intense this week.

I want to make excuses for his attention and write it off as circumstantial and meaningless. I know he’s just lonely and recovering from the loss of his familiar relationship… but I’m finding myself wondering how he actually feels about me. I don’t even know how I feel about him. I’ve avoided thinking about it for so long. I wonder if he ever thinks of me when he writes. I wonder if I’m irrelevant. I find myself wondering if the lyrics are ever about me, if there is a spot in his heart for me, and even if there is a place in mine for him.

I’m stuck. I actually don’t know how I feel. I don’t want to wreck it. I love what we have. He causes no drama in my life; he doesn’t break my heart (I won’t give him the chance). With him I can hide in the security of casual comfort.

But after two years of a roller coaster affair… there are bound to be attachments.

Am I just so cut off from the emotional reality that I can’t even see it? Have I lost touch with my own honesty? I know he’s not right for me, nor I for him. I know what we give each other is isolated, but not shallow... It’s something else. But for all my rationalizing and distance, I still wonder… Could I ever truly love him? Do I love him?

I don’t know.

I want to maintain this cool casual accepting attitude… and then I feel my stomach tighten with pangs of jealousy. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes I care. Sometimes I just don’t give a fuck. Sometimes I’m totally accepting of reality. Sometimes I get jealous.

It’s just late night pondering… a result of proximity I guess. I just need to get it out, let it go, and remind myself of something… Remind myself of futility and pain?

It’s been a long time since I openly sat and watched him play in a room full of people. Surrounded by his friends, and fans, I’m intimately aware of how segregated our relationship is. It’s a secret, hidden in the shadows of stolen memories.

I’m having a human moment. Don’t worry- it’ll pass.