Damn Elephant

OK FINE!! I admit it. I have feelings. Part of me might want to just close my eyes and jump, and risk it… see what’s there. But the idea of being vulnerable terrifies me. I don’t want to be hurt, and I don’t want to loose what I already have.

I received an email today that has sent me into a very reluctant emotional tailspin. I have been backed into the corner, and I think I have to come clean. I think I have to be truthful. I do occasionally drop in on reality. I am aware that the dynamics of this relationship need to be addressed, or at least the big pink elephant in the middle of the room. But I had hoped to postpone this conversation until March, or next year… or the year after…

I know all these happily coupled people (and I do love you guys) will tell me it’s all worth it, and that you can’t let fear hold you back… but c’mon guys I’m not functioning on rational logic here.

Truly, I don’t believe that any good can come from being honest. Experience has taught me that admissions of emotion lead to disenchantment. Perhaps I would rather keep the ideal in my mind, and the memories that make me smile than risk adding to the cynicism.

I don’t want to. I don’t want to risk it. I’ve been hurt and disappointed too many times.

Somehow I have to find the courage to say, “I care. I want more”. Somehow I have to figure out, out loud, what I want, and what I’m prepared to offer… and be prepared for the disappointment…

Perhaps everyone will be happier, and life easier if I just smile and keep quiet. All I really have to say is… well nothing. Nothing will change, my bubble will remain intact, and life will continue as is. The only downside being… nothing will change, and there is that damn elephant in the living room.