Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Damn Elephant

OK FINE!! I admit it. I have feelings. Part of me might want to just close my eyes and jump, and risk it… see what’s there. But the idea of being vulnerable terrifies me. I don’t want to be hurt, and I don’t want to loose what I already have.

I received an email today that has sent me into a very reluctant emotional tailspin. I have been backed into the corner, and I think I have to come clean. I think I have to be truthful. I do occasionally drop in on reality. I am aware that the dynamics of this relationship need to be addressed, or at least the big pink elephant in the middle of the room. But I had hoped to postpone this conversation until March, or next year… or the year after…

I know all these happily coupled people (and I do love you guys) will tell me it’s all worth it, and that you can’t let fear hold you back… but c’mon guys I’m not functioning on rational logic here.

Truly, I don’t believe that any good can come from being honest. Experience has taught me that admissions of emotion lead to disenchantment. Perhaps I would rather keep the ideal in my mind, and the memories that make me smile than risk adding to the cynicism.

I don’t want to. I don’t want to risk it. I’ve been hurt and disappointed too many times.

Somehow I have to find the courage to say, “I care. I want more”. Somehow I have to figure out, out loud, what I want, and what I’m prepared to offer… and be prepared for the disappointment…

Perhaps everyone will be happier, and life easier if I just smile and keep quiet. All I really have to say is… well nothing. Nothing will change, my bubble will remain intact, and life will continue as is. The only downside being… nothing will change, and there is that damn elephant in the living room.


  • At 4:59 PM, Blogger Cairde said…

    Many people would call me very emotional, but what is inside is usually hidden...it's the truth of how I feel. I am afraid to let it out, admit how happy or unhappy I am in a situation, to avoid upsetting someone else and therefore upsetting myself. I also hate being wrong. The miniscule romantic in me wants to say, "risk it, it could mean great things", but the broken hearted cynic says just keep going, it he goes away, he goes away. I am no help. :( Goodluck, relationships suck....that is all I know for now.

  • At 3:05 PM, Anonymous Dirty Sanchez said…

    "Truly, I don’t believe that any good can come from being honest"

    Lying works, just not to yourself.

    <<< Todays cliche words of wisdom were sponsored by Weyerhauser, makers of fine paper products >>>

  • At 3:55 PM, Blogger Ryann said…

    thx sanchez, I'm always happy to take sex, love, or relationship advice from you.


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