Surreal

I remember what tears taste like. I wish I could taste more. I should sleep, but I can’t. The room is dark. the glow from the screen illuminates my chosen escape. Here I can hide. The music floods my mind shutting out the rest of the world. I turn up the volume and press the headphones snug to my ears. I want to hear nothing else. I want to think of nothing else.

…Somebody wants you to beg. Somebody wants you to cry. Somebody wants you to be a mercy...

The adrenaline has vanished, and the world feels surreal. I want more tears. I want to taste the sorrow and the pain. There are several women in the hospital this evening with various injuries, of varying severity. Tomorrow I will call the hospital, even though I know they can't release any information. But tonight, their families will not sleep. Tonight there will be worry and pain. Tonight two thirteen year old girls are wondering what happened.

…You know that I would now. If only I could. You know that I would now. If only I could…

As I was relating the events of the day to another dancer she asked me, “what? You’re trained for that? What the hell are you doing dancing? Why don’t you do that?”

I did. I thought about it. There was a time when I seriously considered being a paramedic. The medical profession has always been magnetic. But I don’t want to perfect the professional distance. I don’t want to be an adrenaline junkie. I don’t want to sit around waiting for people to be hurt. I don’t want to send teenagers to Emergency on spine boards. I don’t want to be there the day the crash is fatal. But I could…

…I got soul but I’m not a soldier… I got soul but I’m not soldier… I got soul but I’m not a soldier…

I’m yawning. My body is so tired, but my mind circles. The walls are strong, but the empathy is internal. It’s been a while since I dealt with a serious patient. Alone in the darkness I am spinning. Again the tears hover behind my eyes.

I’m scared. What if I was hurt? What if it was me that was hit? These are fears I am only able to express or feel hours after the fact. Years of training has taught me to act first and take care of immediate priorities. Freaking out can wait until later.

It’s later.

Tonight, I want a hug. Tonight I want to feel arms around me. Tonight I want to feel protected and cherished. Tonight I want someone to tell me that everything will be alright. Tonight I’m vulnerable and human.

…good luck with your nights alone…

Tonight I am lonely. Tonight I crave something abstract and beautiful. Tonight the walls are weak and I am exposed. But, alone, it doesn’t matter. When the sun rises I will be strong again.

…Would you lay here for a while? Please do not let me go. Please do not let me go…

It’s easy to be lost in the routine. It’s easy to enjoy the image. It’s easy to appear two-dimensional. I know I hide from the complicated reality. Self-inflicted disappointment I can control.

…I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain. The only thing that’s real...

I close my eyes and loose myself in the music. Louder! In this moment there is nothing else. There is no one else. I’m in love with the poetry. The melody washes over me. I exhale.

…Two nights of different… In two nights I’ve come undone…

Maybe I can cry. Maybe I can sleep.

…Please close your eyes woman. Please get some sleep…