Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

boys...

The memories flood my heart as I slowly reintegrate into “real life”. Here I have a past. The hurt bubbles closer to the surface as my mind drifts back in time. I’m thinking about The Brat. I hate that I get so emotionally wrapped up in unavailable affairs. He’ll never call me, and we won’t be together. But when I left, I still hoped for the impossible. Now I’m back, and jolted back to the reality of my life. He doesn’t exist in my life. He isn’t enough of a man to be a part of my life.

Sunshine is apologizing for… nothing. Over msn he wants to tell me he’s sorry for how things ended, not that he feels responsible for anything. He uses blanket “I’m sorry” statements to absolve himself of any actual actions, or lack there of. He misses me… I don’t understand what he misses. He wants to talk to me… I don’t know that I have anything to say…

Merrick is explaining that he doesn’t want to talk to me because I’m rude and aggressive. He tries to understand, but a conversation with me is pointless. He wants us to talk like adults, I’m not sure we’re qualified. I'm not sure I care...

I’m back to The Musician. Sexy, predictable, and perfectly uncomplicated, he’s exactly what I need right now. Isolated and beautiful, we both selfishly take what we need. I appreciate his detached role in my life. He doesn’t want me to be someone else, or something else. He doesn’t want me to do anything, because it’s totally irrelevant. Perfect.

My friends are incredible. I feel confident, authentic, and open. I’m surrounded by Love, and friendship. I’m also intimately aware of how much I crave a true partner. I wish I had someone to come home to, someone to hold me, someone to miss me. I want a Man to actually see me for Who I Am, and Love me.

It’s worth waiting for… and so I wait.
Maybe someday…

Labels: , ,

4 Comments:

  • At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You helped me realize this someday would exist for me and nothing less should ever exist for you.

    You are amazing and you will never settle down.. you deserve to setlle up with your soulmate.

    Anyone who will do just that... see you for who you are will do nothing but love you. You're incredible... oh and people already miss you.

    Anonymous

     
  • At 8:48 PM, Blogger Gadzilla said…

    I find myself drawn back here quite a bit. It's not the profession, or the occasional photos that pop up. It's the author and her straight-forward attitude. Her words and experiences make me want to come back and read more. I wish I had the ability to communicate with the eloquence that you have.

    Someday.. I will have that cup of coffee with you. :)

     
  • At 4:46 AM, Blogger Femicas said…

    Back home. I miss back home. Although, where I am now is supposed to be home.

    I'm glad you arrived safely. I may be a silent reader, but I am still around - always looking forward to your next post. It's great to see someone so honest on paper.... Err... Screen ;)

     
  • At 12:01 PM, Blogger Ryann said…

    Femicas, I'm glad you decided to say hello.

    Gadzilla, mmm coffee...

    Anonymous, thank you. That is the plan...

     

Post a Comment

<< Home