The contest... day 5

I don’t really know what to say. I want to express how the week has been going, tell the stories from the bar, convey my feelings about this competition… but I can’t seem to find the words. I’m so happy to be here, and to have the opportunity to meet these girls. It’s been a great experience. It’s a solid attempt at organized chaos. For a week where really it’s only possible to have a maximum of four shows, I’m exhausted.

For me, there will only be two shows this week. I didn’t make the cut to semi-finals, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I came into this week not expecting to make semi-finals, but of course… I wanted to. I’m still eligible for other awards, and I have no doubt that this weekend will be amazing. I did the best show I could under the circumstances, with my experience level. There were hiccups and an unfortunate bad luck of the draw on Monday, but it happens.

My instincts and training seem to be taking over, and I’m finding myself in familiar territory. I love competition, I love the event, I love the energy and the unknown… but I don’t have a lot of personal attachment to my own achievement. I do my best, but I’m naturally more comfortable behind the scenes.

That’s where my energy is right now. I want to help. I’m mildly disappointed that I don’t have a show tonight, and I suspect I will feel some anger and resentment when I hear who did make the cut. There are things I don’t think are fair. I’m sensitive to drama and issues floating behind the scenes as always. I know I will have an emotional reaction, but I’m also relieved. I can concentrate on helping the other girls, without worrying about my show. I don’t have to make time to get ready, but I know I’ll be busier than imaginable tonight.

Next year, I’ll be back, and I’ll have learned so much from this experience. But right now there are girls that need my help. We have a lot to do, and never enough time to do it.