I don't think I believe

It's midnight. I’m celebrating this quiet moment with homemade chocolate haystacks (That I probably shouldn’t be eating) and raspberry juice and tonic water with a splash of pineapple. Some occasions call for a martini glass, if not a martini.

The house is silent behind the hum of my computer. I’m listening for wind, and rain, but I hear nothing. I’m waiting for the island to sink.

I’m trying to think about who I was, a year ago, two years ago, and five years ago. Do I even recognize myself? My diaries track my life even when I don’t remember, or choose not to. At least I write it down.

I’ve been writing, compiling, and reliving the past two years. I’m so tired of making the same mistakes. I don’t want to live through another Maverick. I don’t want to loose my sense hoping for someone like The Brat to Man Up. I’ve been there, too often.

At dinner today Cece reminded me that I don’t want to wait forever to have children, but that I have lots of time. She reminded me that most men would not want to date a stripper, and that I really shouldn’t date one that does. I agree. I know my job complicates things. I don’t know that I’ll ever be willing to change myself or my job to obtain that man. I don’t know what sacrifices I’d be willing to make, or if the real sacrifice is choosing to be alone. I don’t know that there is a Man out there for me. I don’t know that I will find a partner.

I see too many people who are tremendously lonely within relationships. I see so many marriages become memories, as people change, or become lost within their own priorities. I watch as couples become toxic, tearing each other down, spiraling in selfish negativity. I see the unwillingness to give, and the bitterness replaces communication. I see the hurt. I watch ambition leave a trail of disappointments. I watch people settle into a routine in order to obtain the perfect picture of a family. I don’t want that. I don’t ever want to fall into that, not after a year, or twenty-five years. I do see when it works, when two people come together to create something more, something unconditional and incredible. I want that. I don’t want an imitation or a temporary illusion of it. I would rather be single.

I don’t think I’m destined to be alone forever. I just… I do doubt that I will find a real partner. I think I want too much for myself. I’m too independent, and geographically challenging. My priorities are selfish, and I’m entirely focused on my careers. I believe in friendship, and choice, and carving your own path. I believe in purpose, and experience, and Love. I believe in Carpe Diem and changing the world by changing yourself. I believe in the moment. I believe in Art and passion and the creative spirit.

Maybe some people aren’t meant to be caged.

I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to get married just to have kids. Maybe I’m being too negative, but… I know what I want. I just don’t know if it exists. If it does, it might take me another fifteen years to find it. That’s not exactly an optimistic time frame for having a family. I’m just so tired of being told that the Man I’m looking for will appear out of thin air, with perfect timing, and we’ll get married and have babies and everything will be just lovely.

I don’t even know if I want that life. Maybe my path is different. I want to say that I am totally happy alone. I don’t need a man to complete me. I want to say that I don’t care if I’m single forever. I want to say that I’m not lonely. There are days when I long to be held and cherished. I wish I had someone to be stronger than me, to protect me, and encourage me. But I’m okay. I’m not alone.

Am I happy? Yes. I truly am. I know Who I Am. I feel that I am on my path. I have purpose, and direction, and inspiration. I have a loving family and incredible friends. I have a home. I have more Love in my life than I can express. I am blessed.

I just don’t think I believe in the fairy tale.

I don’t need a partner. I might want one, but I also want real chocolate cake.