Mother Fucker!

The problem is that I like him. If I didn’t everything would be just fine. Even if it was a simple attraction or familiarity and comfort—like with the Musician—I’d be okay. But it’s not. I actually like him. It’s not just the sex. It’s how safe I feel with him. It’s how curious he is about my life and my goals. It’s how the conversation flows, and how the power flows. I honestly think he and I would be great together. I suspect we might be exactly what the other one needs.

Mother Fucker!

I have no willpower when it comes to Alexander. He calls and I reluctantly, but obediently, go see him. I can scream at him but it makes no difference. He knows I want him. He knows it with a secure arrogance that both infuriates and attracts me.

I’ve been so good at avoiding him. I made him go away for months. But last night that all changed. He said he’d be good. I had to find out what we are. Unfortunately I don’t think I’m any closer to knowing that than I was yesterday.

I don’t understand why he so easily does this to me. Back in the summer I told both Alexander and the Musician that I was ready for a relationship and I had to end the casual affairs before I did anything stupid like falling in love. I got out just in time.

I know I’m at risk of falling for Alexander. I know it. He should know it. I’ve said it. I’ve sworn at him “you can’t keep fucking me! If I sleep with you any longer I’m going to get attached. I’m going to fall in love with you. It’s been FIVE FUCKING YEARS! Just go away! Let me move on. I want a boyfriend. I want someone who loves me and wants to be with me. I’m available. I’m open. I want more than what you’re offering. Casual isn’t good for me anymore! I’m ending it.”

And what does he respond with… “Hey, I’m coming over.”

Mother Fucker!

But I could see it. I honestly and truly could see us together. After five years of quietly getting to know him, of watching him, I have a pretty good idea of who we are. And God Dammit! It think would work.

Not that I’ve told him that. I’ve kept silent about what I actually want, about what type of relationship I actually need. I think I might have to say it.

I think I might have to say, out loud, "Alexander I think you and I would be really good together. I need to know if you’re ever going to care about me or if I’ll always just be a fuck toy to you. I need to know. I need to know out loud, for real."

That sounds like a fun conversation.