waiting...

My mind is full of random memories. In this rare occasion I’m wishing I had someone to curl up next to. It’s been too long since I had any physical companionship and I’m missing it right now. I’m churning with energy, vitality and purpose. Everything is snowballing in front of me and I believe I really truly believe that everything I’m working on will come together. I have faith.

I want to share it. I want someone to wrap their arms around me and know that I’m amazing. I want the release of passion and the strength of masculinity. I’m not lonely. It’s a different feeling. I’m feeling an urge to let myself be vulnerable. I want to fall in love. I want to feel safe in the arms of a man who will protect and adore me. It will come. I know it will… in time.

Yet I still miss both the Musician and Alexander. I miss the fragile intimacy of what The Musician was and I miss the unfinished idea of what Alexander could be.

I want to text one of them. It doesn’t matter which. In my mind they’ve become a united memory—something I desire only in secret. I won’t actually do it. I’ll go to bed with my care bear and snuggle warm under my covers, safe and determined to not be that foolish.
It’s the opposite of a void. I feel confined within myself. I want to break out of this protective shell and fall into something more powerful. It’s as though I’m splitting at the seams, restrained by time, waiting for the shell to crack open.