Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Pattern

Problem: Too many men view me as a casual fuck without emotional attachment. Some women are “girlfriend nice”, others are like me. I have seen too much, I’ve been single too long and I’m jaded. But in the past few days I have been accused of being “very guarded” and not communicating my emotions. At first I accepted partial responsibility for the events. But now, I have decided this assumption is bullshit. Not only am I open to anyone that asks, but my feelings, experiences, and weaknesses are POSTED in a PUBLIC BLOG!! So I maintain that anyone who does not know I have feelings, or that I care- simply never wanted to know.

I know how to be comfortable as a sex object, and on occasion as the other woman. I know how to play casual, and fake emotional distance. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of being disrespected and discarded.

I want this to change. I want the pattern to break. I want more. I want respect, and love, and honesty, and trust. I want someone to bother to ask. I want someone to care enough to see beyond the job, beyond the strength.
I know I’m worth more. How do I do it?

Solution: ????????

13 Comments:

  • At 5:38 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    People are selfish, they don't think they should have to ask. They think you should just come out and tell them all your deepest thoughts because for whatever reason they deserve to hear it and you deserve to live with whatever judgements they come up with. Our blogs are an open book, for anyone to read if they choose. I find though that people who know me in person are too afraid to respond to what I write. I will get an email later...."why are you so hard on yourself, what is the matter?" I am just writing what I feel. When I try to talk about those issues in person, the conversation is cut short because people are usually too busy with their own thoughts. It is hard to find someone who will really listen and not be judgemental.
    With a job such as yours, there is a definite stigma that most people can not get past. Maybe part of how you are guarded is by not talking about your life as a dancer to certain people. You do not want to deal with any judgements, but Ryann is a part of you and she has seen a lot. If you can not share every aspect of your life with someone (without them thinking you are either a dirty whore or a sex toy for their amusement), they are not worth your time. Where do you find someone who is worth your time? I wish I knew because I would be looking there for myself. :(

     
  • At 11:08 AM, Blogger the bare frame said…

    People are kind of like a goldmine... we have to shovel through tons and tons of rock and dirt to find the occasional nugget -- the "keeper." Oh, and really rich ore doesn't always appear so on the outside... you have to look closer, and use a careful eye to assay its value.

    Protect your heart, hon, give it a little shelter from life's storms, and, like my high school football coach used to say over and over again, "keep your feet moving."

    We sensitive, thoughtful people have a rough row to hoe in this life... but then, our rewards are richer.

     
  • At 11:21 PM, Blogger Ginger said…

    My beautiful precious friend,
    You start getting more by wanting more.
    Soon enough you will be attracting the type of person that is also wanting more.
    You are in transition from a closed off emotional place (for reasons that started you on this journey in the first place)to an open honest and vulnerable place in your heart, your soul & your world.
    You have been a part of my jouney for so many years and you know the changes that I have made and the ones that I still need to make(Probably better than I know).
    You have been there during my "growing pains" and I believe that this is what is happening with you now.

    Do not lose yourself to this.
    Read the book (you know which one), cry, swear and believe that you are soooooooooooo special.
    Even if he can't see it.

    Because no matter what, he is doing what he thinks he has to do in order to take care of himself. Where ever he is on his journey... you are where you are on yours.

    You are breaking the pattern for YOU.
    What he decides is HIS journey.
    And you get to decide that you ARE worth more.
    I love you friend.

     
  • At 2:12 PM, Blogger Johnny Wadd said…

    Problem is here babe is the industry that we're in doesn't care. There aren't too many deep thinkers in it and most people are superficial and shallow. Not to say it is impossible, after all you and i are both here...as well my gf who i met in the club as a dancer was different too. The odds are against us though.

     
  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger Celena said…

    I think you might need to quit the job?

     
  • At 9:18 PM, Anonymous Dirty Sanchez said…

    No words of wisdom.
    No interesting observations.
    No advice or solace.

    Just this:

    http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&u=/ap/20060213/ap_on_go_pr_wh/cheney_hunting_accident_17

    If that doesn't cheer you up, nothing ever will.

     
  • At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Dirty Sanchez said…

    Sorry: Here you go ...

    http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&u=/ap/20060213/ap_on_go_pr_wh/cheney_hunting_accident_17

     
  • At 9:21 PM, Anonymous Dirty Sanchez said…

    Damn, that is annoying. Ok it is a story about Dick Cheney accidently shooting a hunting partner.

    Hahahahaha.

    Crap

     
  • At 5:59 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    Haaa, I will say the story on Cheney made my mom and I's day! LOL.

     
  • At 12:42 PM, Blogger Ryann said…

    celena- you may have a point.
    sanchez- I'm not sure you have a point, but at least entertainment value
    ginger- I love you friend.
    pita- uh huh

     
  • At 9:31 PM, Blogger Forrest Gibb said…

    Solution???? I reccomend Jesus. He will always love you and will always judge by what's truly in your heart. He is there and waiting for you to turn to Him.
    Kinda like when you fly a kite to the end of the string and it's way up there and you can only barely see it, but you can tell its there by the little tugs on the line. That's how Jesus trys to get our attention. By little tugs on our heart. Especially when we're hurting or lonely or at the end of our rope.
    He has always been there for me and slowly changed me from a man(boy maturity-wise really) I didn't like at all to the man I always wanted to be.
    I reccomend Him highly.

    God bless you and your readers,

    Love,
    Forrest

     
  • At 11:42 AM, Blogger Ryann said…

    Jesus and I are good buddies. I suggest reading my archives. I have no spiritual void in my life.

     
  • At 8:55 PM, Blogger Forrest Gibb said…

    Cool I see it now. I'm glad. Jesus is the best buddie you can have!

    I have to tell you, your writing is riveting. It's not the subject. It's the way you write it. You could be writing about popping a pimple and it would be enthralling. Your post about the horrific car wreck and your personal aftermath was like reading a really good episode of "ER"
    I think you definitely have a gift for writing. You have another blogfan now. I look forward to reading the archives for the next few weeks.
    Do you plan out what you're going to write or does it just flow?

    Good night and
    God bless,
    Love,
    Forrest

     

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