Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Friday, December 22, 2006


Am I a relationship atheist?

I don’t want a boyfriend, or a relationship, or that life. But am I just in denial? Am I stuck in a cycle of fear that everything will always be a disaster, or am I really just being honest with myself? I’ve been officially single for almost five years. I’ve never really been the commitment type, and I’ve never really been in a serious exclusive relationship. I run.

I actually want to be single!

I know people will tell me it’ll happen when you least expect it. I hear that I’ll change my mind, that it’s just a phase, that I have lots of time. I hear I’m just young, but not too young… I should be thinking about 2.5 children and a husband or at the very least a decent boyfriend. But at what point does it actually become my choice, instead of a series of circumstantial experiences?

They say it’s because of my job, my lifestyle, my priorities… when all that changes and I live a normal life everything will just magically fall into place. They say I just haven’t met the “right guy”. They say I’m just jaded; I’m cynical. When my life is different, when I’m different, I’ll feel differently. I don’t doubt that. I grow and change with every new day. I do doubt that I will be willing to become that person. Where does it say that I will change into a woman wanting to get married and have babies? Where does it say that I will wake up one day and just know that I’m ready to be part of a family, to be responsible for a family? I believe in loving unconditionally. I know children need so much more than I can articulate.

Why does society “know” that it’s the ultimate goal, and why am I the unenlightened unbeliever just waiting for the right man to come along and convert me?

I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want it... I wouldn't have a clue what to do with it.

How do you actually know what you need?

Yes, I get lonely. I don’t deny it, nor do I run from it. There are moments when it would be nice to have a man wrap his arms around me and take care of me. But I don’t need it, and most of the time I don’t even want it.

Does that mean I’m the broken one?

I know I want to continue in school. I have so much more to learn. I know I need to keep writing. I know I want to travel and experience more each day. I know I love dancing. I feel passionate and inspired by my life and my goals. I know Who I Am Today, and where I came from and the bumps, bruises and kisses along the way. I understand sacrifice and humanity. I appreciate ambition, but I value compassion. I know everyone cries, although sometimes internally. There are scars and wounds that touch every one of us. I know the worth of a hug, and the depth of an “I love you.” I know what friendship is and I understand what it means to be a family.

Why then is it so inconceivable that I might not want that fairy tale goal? Am I too innocent, too inexperienced, too young, too something to know What I Want? When will I be qualified to choose? 26? 30? 35? 45? Or will society never see it as anything but something sad and unfortunate? Will I always just be waiting for “The right man” no matter what choices I make?

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