Single.
Am I a relationship atheist?
I don’t want a boyfriend, or a relationship, or that life. But am I just in denial? Am I stuck in a cycle of fear that everything will always be a disaster, or am I really just being honest with myself? I’ve been officially single for almost five years. I’ve never really been the commitment type, and I’ve never really been in a serious exclusive relationship. I run.
I actually want to be single!
I know people will tell me it’ll happen when you least expect it. I hear that I’ll change my mind, that it’s just a phase, that I have lots of time. I hear I’m just young, but not too young… I should be thinking about 2.5 children and a husband or at the very least a decent boyfriend. But at what point does it actually become my choice, instead of a series of circumstantial experiences?
They say it’s because of my job, my lifestyle, my priorities… when all that changes and I live a normal life everything will just magically fall into place. They say I just haven’t met the “right guy”. They say I’m just jaded; I’m cynical. When my life is different, when I’m different, I’ll feel differently. I don’t doubt that. I grow and change with every new day. I do doubt that I will be willing to become that person. Where does it say that I will change into a woman wanting to get married and have babies? Where does it say that I will wake up one day and just know that I’m ready to be part of a family, to be responsible for a family? I believe in loving unconditionally. I know children need so much more than I can articulate.
Why does society “know” that it’s the ultimate goal, and why am I the unenlightened unbeliever just waiting for the right man to come along and convert me?
I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want it... I wouldn't have a clue what to do with it.
How do you actually know what you need?
Yes, I get lonely. I don’t deny it, nor do I run from it. There are moments when it would be nice to have a man wrap his arms around me and take care of me. But I don’t need it, and most of the time I don’t even want it.
Does that mean I’m the broken one?
I know I want to continue in school. I have so much more to learn. I know I need to keep writing. I know I want to travel and experience more each day. I know I love dancing. I feel passionate and inspired by my life and my goals. I know Who I Am Today, and where I came from and the bumps, bruises and kisses along the way. I understand sacrifice and humanity. I appreciate ambition, but I value compassion. I know everyone cries, although sometimes internally. There are scars and wounds that touch every one of us. I know the worth of a hug, and the depth of an “I love you.” I know what friendship is and I understand what it means to be a family.
Why then is it so inconceivable that I might not want that fairy tale goal? Am I too innocent, too inexperienced, too young, too something to know What I Want? When will I be qualified to choose? 26? 30? 35? 45? Or will society never see it as anything but something sad and unfortunate? Will I always just be waiting for “The right man” no matter what choices I make?
I don’t want a boyfriend, or a relationship, or that life. But am I just in denial? Am I stuck in a cycle of fear that everything will always be a disaster, or am I really just being honest with myself? I’ve been officially single for almost five years. I’ve never really been the commitment type, and I’ve never really been in a serious exclusive relationship. I run.
I actually want to be single!
I know people will tell me it’ll happen when you least expect it. I hear that I’ll change my mind, that it’s just a phase, that I have lots of time. I hear I’m just young, but not too young… I should be thinking about 2.5 children and a husband or at the very least a decent boyfriend. But at what point does it actually become my choice, instead of a series of circumstantial experiences?
They say it’s because of my job, my lifestyle, my priorities… when all that changes and I live a normal life everything will just magically fall into place. They say I just haven’t met the “right guy”. They say I’m just jaded; I’m cynical. When my life is different, when I’m different, I’ll feel differently. I don’t doubt that. I grow and change with every new day. I do doubt that I will be willing to become that person. Where does it say that I will change into a woman wanting to get married and have babies? Where does it say that I will wake up one day and just know that I’m ready to be part of a family, to be responsible for a family? I believe in loving unconditionally. I know children need so much more than I can articulate.
Why does society “know” that it’s the ultimate goal, and why am I the unenlightened unbeliever just waiting for the right man to come along and convert me?
I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want it... I wouldn't have a clue what to do with it.
How do you actually know what you need?
Yes, I get lonely. I don’t deny it, nor do I run from it. There are moments when it would be nice to have a man wrap his arms around me and take care of me. But I don’t need it, and most of the time I don’t even want it.
Does that mean I’m the broken one?
I know I want to continue in school. I have so much more to learn. I know I need to keep writing. I know I want to travel and experience more each day. I know I love dancing. I feel passionate and inspired by my life and my goals. I know Who I Am Today, and where I came from and the bumps, bruises and kisses along the way. I understand sacrifice and humanity. I appreciate ambition, but I value compassion. I know everyone cries, although sometimes internally. There are scars and wounds that touch every one of us. I know the worth of a hug, and the depth of an “I love you.” I know what friendship is and I understand what it means to be a family.
Why then is it so inconceivable that I might not want that fairy tale goal? Am I too innocent, too inexperienced, too young, too something to know What I Want? When will I be qualified to choose? 26? 30? 35? 45? Or will society never see it as anything but something sad and unfortunate? Will I always just be waiting for “The right man” no matter what choices I make?
posted by Ryann @ 00:06
3 Comments:
At 8:15 AM,
Pronto said…
I believe that sometimes you need to perhaps not wish, wonder or ponder too much.
Good things come to those who wait, it could be said, but more importantly, the most important things in life often come to one most unexpectedly.
My thoughts, anyways!
Merry Christmas!
At 9:21 AM,
Ryann said…
I don't want it.... not looking... not wishing... not needing.
Just wondering if I'm going to have to hear "You just haven't met the right guy"... "when are you going to settle down?"
Every... Single... Day...
I might not. ever.
At 10:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
"I don't want a boyfriend." Now that's innocent you know there's a druling perver going, heh heh heh, a giiiiirrrrlllfriend....she's bbbbbbaaaahhhhhhi....Oh there he is Larry Laugher, love LL4; hah!
Best,
Gölök Zoltán Buday
"Delusion has been defined by some as a strongly held belief not held in popular thought, so essentially we have pollsters and pop-culture marketeers deciding what is delusional and what is clear thinking, not [even] psychiatrists." -- Black Jester, aka Gölök Z. L. F. Buday.
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