Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Not willing to care enough to cry.

Fuck this! I’m pissed off and I’m pissed off because I care. Yes, I actually care about feeling disposable today. I might not have cared yesterday, and hell I might be back to not giving a shit tomorrow, but right now. I care and it fucking sucks.

The Musician and I have a complicated relationship on the best of days. We’ll go weeks or months without speaking and inevitably the status of his on again off again pseudo-ex-girlfriend effects my life. It doesn’t seem to have much relevance as to whether we fuck or not, just timing and logistics, and guilt. Mostly it just effects his guilt.

I don’t know what they’re doing. I don’t know why they continue to circle around the disaster and pain of what they’ve become- but then again I don’t know why I’m here today so I suppose I’m not much better.

He has a show tonight. She’s going. Therefore I’m not. I want to go. I want to stand in front of her, looking perfect, looking like the stripper, and stare her down. I want to glare at her and ask, “Do you really think you’re that sweet and good?” I know in his mind she’s the good girl, the girlfriend, she’s the one you marry.

I’m something else.

I want to stand in front of her and invite her to attack me. It’s not jealousy; I just want to feel real for a moment. I would rather have her hit me than continue to pretend I don’t exist. It’s just fucking selfish but I want to feel some power and influence. I want to be real, not hidden as an obscure threat, or an indefinable fantasy, but real- as a woman. She doesn’t need me to deliberately hurt her. But I can’t help wanting to.

I want to scream “Do you really think he’ll stop fucking me!?!”

I won’t do any of that. I won’t go to the show, and I’m not going to do anything malicious. I don’t know if anyone would call that morals, but it’s about respect. I doubt I can even defend that claim if challenged, but it is. I would not actually be that cruel.

I suspect this absurd affair will continue… and really it doesn’t matter. I’m just realizing that while my intentions haven’t changed, somewhere along the way I accidentally grew to care.

If I come to care anymore I might have to end it. I’m not willing to cry over this guy.



  • At 4:03 PM, Blogger maidink said…

    Wow, Ryann. That's rough.

    Believe it or not, I know how you feel.

    Don't want to elaborate anymore. Maybe later.

  • At 12:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh Ryann, me heart breaks for ya , ya know that. This guy does NOT deserve you. Me thinks yer starting to see that though cuz yer not willing to shed tears over him. The day will come and SHE will be shedding the tears an you will be long gone. The last laugh will be on you


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