affairs, crushes, and expectations

Do you ever wonder what image you are portraying? I do.

...or at least I'm starting to. As I'm becoming more aware of the games I play and the segmented roles I fullfill, I'm starting to analyze what impression I have on people.
There are friends who know me. who know my real name, my real life, my real story, dreams, goals, struggles, fears and hopes. friends who know where the jaded came from, who remember the idealism feeling so much more attainable.

Now, there are so many people that simply know me as Ryann. simple yet still accurate. In that environment I am that role. I play the fantasy, I think and act as Ryann... and it's so easy.
But then there is a handfull of people that were a part of the formation of Ryann, before "she" came into being. These are the individuals that I have had a relationship with outside of the normal confines of reality. These are the people that gave release to the manipulations of circumstances and fantasies before "Ryann" became her name... when she was still a shadow within me.

In creating Ryann I was able to give life to that part of me. I was able to give a name and an outlet for many of the actions, desires, and feelings I have juggled outside the acceptable realm of my life. though my closest friends always know what is going on, I've always kept certain situations and flirtations far far away from my social comforts... and I like them there.
But what I'm finding recently is that the role I play within that environment is Ryann. As true a part of me as anything else, now I can identify it... and I'm finding myself resenting the fact that "they" know my "real" identity. Because if I am Ryann, then in that moment, in that stolen reality I am Ryann, and I don't want that muddled with my "real life" because they have no connection with my real life, or my real self. they only know Ryann, just they know the wrong name.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense.. but I am a work in progress. so on to the thoughts of today....

I have a crush. certainly not an uncommon occurance for me. I usually have a crush of some sort... but I'm enjoying this one. I really have no way to know if the feelings are real or how much of it is afterglow idealism... but it's still a nice feeling.

I'm starting to want more... as Ryann is given so much time to explore and experience.. I'm finding myself wanting more in real life. I've spent three years avoiding that. Truely I don't know if I even know how to be in a relationship, and the logistics of being on the road so much force me to be selfish... I don't want to have unrealistic expectations... But I suspect a lot of my excuses are just defensive. I don't want to get hurt... and I've become so good at avoiding, manipulating, and lying that I even convince myself. I'm trying this new "honesty" thing... trying to actually realize that I do care, I do have emotions, and I do have hopes, and expectations... and maybe that's okay. This blog is a theraputic method of honesty... step by step... starting here.. if I can at least start to be more honest with myself....
because I do care.

as far as this crush goes... perhaps I should stop pretending that I don't care, or that it doesn't matter. perhaps I should give myself a chance and say somthing other than "don't worry about me, I don't want a relationship anyhow, it doesn't matter"... perhaps I ought to say "I like you. I don't know how or if it could work, but I want more than to be the booty call or the 'friend'"... perhaps I should say that....
perhaps I'm just too fucking terrified to leave myself that vulnerable. perhaps it's just easier to pretend I don't care and just play it cool. perhaps I know I'm still so jaded, I remember the pain too vividly.

relationships, flings, affairs, crushes, expectations broken hearts... none of it is simple... but perhaps through this blog I can start being honest with myself....