Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Monday, March 06, 2006

a path...

Why not medical school? Isn’t that what you were going for? What happened?

I know my direction has changed and there are many people who have not been present to see the gradual redirection.

I don’t want to be a doctor. For months my reasoning has been flawed and vague. Yes chemistry is difficult, but I know I can do it. Yes competition is fierce, but I enjoy it. No… I’m afraid of the personal sacrifice if I go that route.

I’m afraid I will give my heart and soul to my career and have nothing left for a family. I’m afraid a specialty will become all consuming and spiritually draining. I don’t want to be a part of our medical system weighing finances over patient care. I don’t want to add to the frustration of inadequate staff and wait times. I don’t want to be tempted to leave Canada for a higher income.

As a family practitioner I would have regular hours and reasonable freedom. As a GP I would be the liaison between patient and specialist. I would be the first contact in diagnosis and treatment of illness. Test results would come to me, and I would be the one who delivers the news. You have cancer.

Not a day passes when I don’t hear news of someone fighting or loosing the cancer battle. These days everyone seems too young, too healthy, and too far gone. I don’t want to sit with parent and child explaining radiation. I don’t want to tell a father he won’t see his daughter graduate. I don’t want to be the messenger of the inadequacies of science. I would sooner go into theology and be a messenger of hope than tell a young woman a tumor is inoperable.

I don’t want to be on the ambulance the day a child dies in a collision, and I don’t want to be in a sterile office when the words metastasized and terminal are spoken.

I was once on that path, but that was before medicine could not help my friend. I’m not angry.

I would rather be a part of the healing. Perhaps my gift is through compassion and love. Maybe I am better suited in hospice. Hope is powerful, especially when not limited to medical hope of cheating death, but rather hope that life will continue. Hope for those of us left behind. Someday the sun will shine again, it may never be the same as before, but it will be good.

It’s almost been a year since my dear friend took his last breath. It just took me some time to realize my path. When he collapsed I did not bury myself in chemistry. I did not increase my dedication and determination to find a cure. I moved home. I sat with him and his family in limbo, waiting, listening, and loving.

Science, you win or loose. Love is always a gift, and always makes a difference. I’ll leave the chemistry and labs to the brave people who want to fight that battle. I would rather make a difference in the heart and soul. I would rather cling to the hope that we can make the world a better place, that we can increase the quality of life, that we can increase tolerance and understanding. I would rather stimulate the mind, expand the comfort zone, and encourage the ripples of acceptance and compassion. There are many battles to fight; most are not in the lab.

13 Comments:

  • At 9:21 AM, Anonymous me said…

    at this point I think I would be a bit lost...

    so your not going back to med school?
    so your not going to go into chemistry (didn't know you were thinking of it)?

    so what direction are you thinking of taking?

     
  • At 10:00 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    I used to volunteer at an animal shelter with a very kind woman who happened to be a nurse. We started talking one day about how hard it must be for doctors to tell families that a loved one had died or will die, she said the nurses do it quite abit. I asked her how she dealt with that....she said you just do it, it becomes routine, everyday. Kathy is a fantastic women, extremely kind, so for her to say that surprised me, but she does what she can for the patients. I could not do what she does or any other medical professional in that circumstance, but we need those people. I think though it can be easier to give the news and walk away than to stay around and watch the outcome. If you can be there, give hope, compassion and love to those who are dying and those left behind, then you are brave and someone will appreciate having you as their angel....even if for a short time.

     
  • At 1:27 PM, Blogger Ryann said…

    yes I was. until august I was in undergraduate sciences, trying to get into medical school.

    when I hit the wall in august I began a new path.

     
  • At 1:53 PM, Blogger Ryann said…

    that path is a work in progress... as usual.

    I'm going back to bullshit and creative thought, much more fun than sciences.

    lost are you? email me or check the archives.

     
  • At 3:19 PM, Blogger Erin said…

    Science is fun, sometimes. But school is a drag.

     
  • At 4:55 PM, Blogger Gadzilla said…

    Talk a walk on the wildside.. and the colored girls sing "doo do doo.." Seriously there is no mind altering drug on this planet that could ever help anyone with that question. (There is a hell of a market if there were..) First question you need to ask yourself is what are you priorities? Money? Freedom? Traveling? What turns your clock other than being idolized and worshipped. Why did you become a dancer? The money? Why are you still doing it? Riddle me this and Riddle me that..

     
  • At 8:15 AM, Blogger Ryann said…

    Gadzilla, not that tough of a riddle...

    dancing: money, freedom, fitness, job security, & escape.

    idolized is an illusion.

    Erin... I miss school, I love school, I can't wait to be back. But I prefer the arts. Sociology this time I think...

     
  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger Gadzilla said…

    I think you can learn more from life itself or the act of living life, than you can in any book. I envy the fact you can do what you do and still be at peace with yourself. I don't think I would have the courage to get on stage to do what you do. Might be fun at first.. but I think I would crumble fast. However, in the face of adversity, one often shines the brightest.

    Now let me ask a question. Would you be disappointed with yourself if you did this job for as long as you were able?

     
  • At 11:44 PM, Blogger Ryann said…

    yes.

    it would kill me.

    I disagree on the education bit. Life experience offers a different type of education, but in no way is it superior to university, just different. I don't think there is any replacement for a degree, it's not something you can get with a plane ticket, perhaps with a library card...

    I've already thrown away Photographer and Paramedic careers, just to name two. I want more out of life than this profession can offer. I'm worth more than tits and ass. I'm too smart, and too ambitious to play nice to a bunch of morons for an extended period of time.

     
  • At 7:31 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    "Wisdom becomes knowledge when it becomes your personal experience." - I read that on the little tea bag holding tab for my Yogi Tea. :)

     
  • At 10:10 AM, Blogger Ryann said…

    pita, you rock

     
  • At 10:11 PM, Blogger Ginger said…

    Well, since we are being all philosophical...



    "Intelligence without ambition, is like a bird without wings."

    and of course...

    "To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe."

    and just to really put it all in perspective...

    "Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious."

    but Happiness is.
    so I say go for the bullshit & creative thought!

     
  • At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Dirty Sanchez said…

    Going to school with a purpose can be rewarding, but I have found that learning for it's own sake (even stupid useless trivia) is way more rewarding.

    I wish I had known that when I was 19.

     

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