a path...

Why not medical school? Isn’t that what you were going for? What happened?

I know my direction has changed and there are many people who have not been present to see the gradual redirection.

I don’t want to be a doctor. For months my reasoning has been flawed and vague. Yes chemistry is difficult, but I know I can do it. Yes competition is fierce, but I enjoy it. No… I’m afraid of the personal sacrifice if I go that route.

I’m afraid I will give my heart and soul to my career and have nothing left for a family. I’m afraid a specialty will become all consuming and spiritually draining. I don’t want to be a part of our medical system weighing finances over patient care. I don’t want to add to the frustration of inadequate staff and wait times. I don’t want to be tempted to leave Canada for a higher income.

As a family practitioner I would have regular hours and reasonable freedom. As a GP I would be the liaison between patient and specialist. I would be the first contact in diagnosis and treatment of illness. Test results would come to me, and I would be the one who delivers the news. You have cancer.

Not a day passes when I don’t hear news of someone fighting or loosing the cancer battle. These days everyone seems too young, too healthy, and too far gone. I don’t want to sit with parent and child explaining radiation. I don’t want to tell a father he won’t see his daughter graduate. I don’t want to be the messenger of the inadequacies of science. I would sooner go into theology and be a messenger of hope than tell a young woman a tumor is inoperable.

I don’t want to be on the ambulance the day a child dies in a collision, and I don’t want to be in a sterile office when the words metastasized and terminal are spoken.

I was once on that path, but that was before medicine could not help my friend. I’m not angry.

I would rather be a part of the healing. Perhaps my gift is through compassion and love. Maybe I am better suited in hospice. Hope is powerful, especially when not limited to medical hope of cheating death, but rather hope that life will continue. Hope for those of us left behind. Someday the sun will shine again, it may never be the same as before, but it will be good.

It’s almost been a year since my dear friend took his last breath. It just took me some time to realize my path. When he collapsed I did not bury myself in chemistry. I did not increase my dedication and determination to find a cure. I moved home. I sat with him and his family in limbo, waiting, listening, and loving.

Science, you win or loose. Love is always a gift, and always makes a difference. I’ll leave the chemistry and labs to the brave people who want to fight that battle. I would rather make a difference in the heart and soul. I would rather cling to the hope that we can make the world a better place, that we can increase the quality of life, that we can increase tolerance and understanding. I would rather stimulate the mind, expand the comfort zone, and encourage the ripples of acceptance and compassion. There are many battles to fight; most are not in the lab.