Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Not yet...

I want to cry. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to tell anyone how upset or hurt I am right now. I don’t want people to know what a fool I am. I just want this sadness to go away.

I don’t want to walk away from Whiskey yet. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to be all alone with no façade of sensual connection. I know it’s not real. I know it’s a disaster. I know more hurt and more disappointed are inevitable. But I have walked away from too many, necessary, but too quickly. These past six months have been brutal. A repetitive loss of friendship, reminders of a lack of respect, to be tossed aside as the disposable stripper… It has taken a great deal of stubborn resolve to keep looking ahead instead of yearning for the illusion.

It has been six months since I spoke to Maverick. I think of him often, and in weak moments it still burns my soul. But, I took my broken heart, and didn’t look back. Disenchantment still hovers when I think of my dear friend from high school. The Brat is also done. The disrespect and assumptions cut too deep, and I am not willing to sift through the rubble in the attempt to rebuild the naivety. What I thought was there, is not. I will be finishing that today. Still so fresh… at least I don’t have to wait another month to gain closure. There is another leftover affair I have also ended. If only in my own mind I know I will not be going back to that one. He was never worth the effort to formally end. Regardless, all those have ended over the past six months.

I know I’m worth more. I know I deserve more.

But I also know that I have another six months ahead of me in this transient life. I know although I may be more emotionally available than I have been in years, I am not geographically available. I travel. I will not be home for weeks or months at a time. I understand that dating me is difficult under the best circumstances. I understand that dating a stripper is a tall order. I am a peeler. Men I do not know watch me naked. Men try to have sex with me, and I do receive offers of various forms of prostitution on a regular basis. I take my clothes off and reveal all of my flesh for strangers. I flirt, and tease.

… and then I go home alone.

I am hurt, and angry. But I am not ready to walk away. As much as I wish I could, as angry as I am at myself for being so addicted… I don’t want to destroy this one… not yet. I want something to come home to. I want someone to look forward to seeing when I get home. It may be a chimera, but it can be so beautiful. Selfishly masochistic, I don’t want to obliterate every pseudo connection all at once.

4 Comments:

  • At 3:49 PM, Blogger the bare frame said…

    aw, my heart is with you, ryann... try to remember that long is lent measure by short, light only finds its illumination with darkness, joy depends upon sorrow for its revelation, and love only soars with knowledge of fear...

    it's easy to say when one isn't plunged into the depths, but this feeling will pass, and you'll remember that you are, and life is, just fine.

    as for all those bastards who miss the chance to bring a little light into your life, sigh... guess we can only forgive them and their ignorance (and leave 'em the fuck behind!)

    xo

     
  • At 8:36 PM, Blogger Gadzilla said…

    I've tried heartfelt words.. and words of wisdom.. here.. have some cute photo's (that better work.. cuz I am running out of material here..)

     
  • At 9:16 PM, Anonymous Dirty Sanchez said…

    You cannot ever be happy in a relationship unless you are happy solo ...

    Barring that, you are still one hell of a writer, brought a tear to ole Sanchez' eye, you did.

     
  • At 4:51 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    Though you want to keep something going, if you can not truely enjoy the moment with this person because in your mind you know it isn't the real thing and won't last, then it is not worth it in the end. If you can be in the moment and even for only a few hours be in complete peace and happiness, then go for it. Be happy and more happiness will follow. :) I know the feeling you describe too well and I have you in my thoughts my friend.

     

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