Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Monday, April 17, 2006

I'm sorry.

I hurt a friend this weekend, and I’m sorry.
A friend hurt me, and I’m sad.

I’m angry that she expects me to take full responsibility for the events. It’s not fair. I know I’m not perfect and perhaps she just hasn’t been exposed to me in a situation like that before. When I feel threatened I get defensive, and aggressive. I know this. I know I’m not perfect. I know I react poorly at times. But you love me anyhow, right?

I’m scared to get close to people, especially when I know so many will eventually despise me. Perhaps my attitude could be more positive, but I don’t want to pretend to be someone I am not just to make people happy and comfortable. Especially when I know that sooner or later they’ll turn on me, too many already have.

Instead, I was aggressive and open. “If you don’t like me, I don’t fucking care.”

… So the results were not positive. But at least I didn’t give them the chance to judge me as a friend and then dismiss me as a useless whore. I’m in a different world, and I’m finding myself incapable of reintegrating into that segment of society. I don’t want to. I want her to recognize the lesson that some groups of people should not be mixed. I want her to realize that I should not have been put in that situation. I think it’s a lesson everyone learns at some point, and it’s never a smooth one. Some social groups cannot be mixed, and awkward segregated gatherings are never a good idea. She knows who I am.

I was really hurt. I felt that I was being asked to censor my personality, and that it wasn’t fair. I was very shocked to discover that I could not speak, that there was absolutely nothing I was allowed to talk about, and I just wanted to scream. I also felt disrespected. I felt that she was ashamed of who I am, and that the opinion of her other friends was more important than respecting me.

I don’t really know how to fix it, and I’m frustrated with how angry and upset I am. I know she is as well. I love her dearly, and we’ve never really fought before. I found myself in a very difficult and awkward situation, and I wasn’t prepared to deal with it. I reacted instead of being proactive, and for that I am sorry.

I am sorry. I want her to be sorry too. How do I make it better?

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  • At 11:14 PM, Blogger Ryann said…


  • At 5:45 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    *Big Hug* I am sorry Ryann. I am afraid it is human nature to dismiss the feelings of one in order to impress and receive approval from a few. I have been guilty of this behavior myself. It is also very hard to control one's hightened emotions and keep a level controlled head...and your friend should understand that. You having to deal with people's reactions to your work and your old friends learning to let go of learned stereotypes is a time of treading in unfamiliar waters...something everyone has to remember so as to avoid drowning in bitterness.


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