Perceived...

The lines blur, my identities meld. As I change and grow “Ryann” becomes more entwined with my spirit. I love her. I love her strength, I love watching her detached arrogance. She is me, but am I her?

Someone asked me for a private dance… “Do you know my real name?” I stated. It’s one or the other, you cannot know both. You cannot have both.

I’m absent from the “stripper world” this week, running around dealing with life, errands, family, and friendships. Real life. Real stress and real emotions, I was tempted to retreat into Ryann. I wanted to go back to work. The illusion is easier. I wanted to leave, hide from the struggle to reconcile. I don’t know how to incorporate my experiences into my heart. I don’t want to accept the truth of the mirage.

My thoughts are diligent and dynamic. The topics are not simple and will take time to grasp. What I accept as normal when living day to day in a surreal bubble of stilettos doesn’t transfer seamlessly into coffee afternoons discussing grief, youth, growth, and hope. I watch young women discover their own sexuality, their natural power. I wish the atmosphere was more empowering. I wish we taught our girls to embrace their desires with pride, with personal worth. NOT for what they mean to the horny kid at a party, NOT for the amount of beer sold.

In a few days I will be back at work. I will have more time to ponder the complexities of living a perceived duality, of reconciling personal and invented identity. I am. I am also Ryann. I am good/bad. I am virgin/whore. I will observe the increased bisexual behaviors of young women and wonder, why? Do they do it to impress and entice young men? Do they need to prove their sexuality to someone? Is it a natural exploration of adolescence?

Female sexuality is incredibly powerful and complex. Sadly, the years of inadequate guidance most often accompany sexual discovery and exploration in our society. I am privileged to witness the consequences. ALL GIRL KISSING CONTESTS!! A free demonstration of adolescent desires, desires for approval, desires for experience. Young sexuality is sold to a drunken bar for the price it takes to get a couple of teenagers intoxicated. I have my doubts that these girls are bisexual, most of them “outgrow” it before their 22nd birthday. I have my doubts that these girls are doing it for their own enlightened pleasure.

I love sexuality. I believe in the value of the sex industry and I embrace the worth of the individuals who are willing and able to provide the fantasy or satisfy the needs.

But WHY are we selling teenage girl-on-girl action?