Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'm still sorry

Ahhhhh. Why am I doing this again? This is such a mess, and it’s so complicated. I don’t really wish things were simple, but maybe it would be easier. I’m sure it would be easier if I was simpler. I’m not perfect. I can be defensive, aggressive, and arrogant. I am also vulnerable and loving.

I am on a path of self-discovery. I am learning and changing so much each day, and my choices are complex. My life is undergoing so many changes, and I struggle to adapt to very diverse situations. I have lost so many friends this year. I’m incapable of putting myself through that again. I don’t want to be judged and dismissed anymore. I don’t want to be called a whore. I don’t want to have my personal value ascertained by my job. I don’t want to be isolated and discriminated. It hurts my soul. I am so raw from recent experiences, and I’m not perfect. I need her to understand as a friend how difficult this process is for me. I love my friend. I love her so much. She’s like a sister to me. It hurts so much to be in conflict with her. I didn’t want to hurt her…

I’m so scared of being hurt again. She can’t understand how painful and disheartening it is to be constantly perceived as a threat, as an enemy. She can’t understand how hard it is to maintain strength and courage when being dismissed over and over again. I wish I could cry.

I’m still learning how to deal with peoples opinions. I’m still learning, and some of my coping strategies, suck. I wish I made good decisions all the time, but I don’t, and I didn’t.

I use sex to change the balance of power in a situation. I do it because it works. It’s something that a very old friend pointed out to me, and I was forced to recognize. It’s a strategy I learned and incorporated before I even knew what sex was, but I knew there was power there, and I knew I could take it. When I feel cornered and threatened, I do.

I am confident, and I LIKE who I am. I don’t feel that I should have to justify or change who I am to please people who ultimately are going to hate me and disown me. I choose NOT to subject myself to that, and if I do have to, it takes a lot of mental and emotional preparation to decide how to handle the situation. I wish she had known that.

I’m a stripper. There is so much that goes so far beyond the stage. I wish she read this blog. I wish she knew what I go through. I wish she had realized how delicate and raw I am, how incapable I was of dealing with that situation. I wish she had known how hard it is for me to meet new people. I wish she had read my journey… maybe we could have avoided this disaster…

I hope she calls me soon. I want to cry.

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  • At 11:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 12:44 AM, Blogger Ryann said…

    Though I do my best to be open and accepting of others, I cannot ethically condone the spread of hatred.

    As such, I'm sorry but abusive comments will be deleted.

    For future reference, learn English; check your grammar, and spell-check.

    ...and yes my mother, my father, my teachers, my sister, and my friends are proud of the strong, educated, independent, and ambitious woman I am.

  • At 5:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i would just like to start out by saying that none of this is meant to be hurtful, just insight from an outsider, please take it all in to consideration regardless.

    Strong?...really? that is not the person that you have demonstrated to anyone; whether in person or on this blog. you may act as though you are confident and untouchable, but i see you for what you really are.... a sad person who is so self-concious and so self-loathing that you insist on making other people constantly feel uncomfortable and/or insulted, just to make yourself feel better . but it doesnt always work, does it? you still feel inferior, but you could never admit it. you are comparable to a young child. if you are not constintly the center of attention,(especially of men) you thrive to get it whatever way possible. i know you are aware of this.
    you also have the nerve to blame your actions on your line of work, another easy out. i have met many strippers in my life, and not one of them has acted in the manor in which you conduct yourself in social situations. they have all been articulate, intellegent, honorable and amazing women. they do not use sex constintly to draw attention to themselves. they do not insist on harping on the obviously more vulnerable of the flock to boost whatever sick ego they have. they do not blame there social retartation on the line of work that they have chosen. remember: you chose the job, it DID NOT choose you!
    why use your body and sexuality to manipulate people, when we all know that your mind is more then enough to get what you want? i know that you are a smart girl,( not just a dancer, thats for sure) i just wish that you were far more aware of what you put out into the universe. do you believe in karma?
    i know you say you cannot ethically condone the spread of hatred, but then why treat people the way you do, its more as if you promote it. why disrespect not only yourself but also everyone around you.
    i agree that you are an independant and well educated person, and i do not deny that your family and friends are proud of you (whatever you may have left of them) but i just hope that you would open your eyes and realize the kind of person you COULD be. i do not mean this in a hurtful way. i have seen glimpses of it in passing, but it is quickly followed up by a condisending or insulting comment towards someone else. you may just need to turn the magnifiying glass on yourself for once, and soon!


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