Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

so scared

I’m so scared. I am terrified that as long as I’m dancing I will keep loosing friends. That as I become more and more self-aware as an individual, and embrace my life as a stripper, that everyone will just walk away from me.

They won’t understand. They won’t love me. They won’t accept me.

I’m loosing count of how many friendships have ended already. I love my friends, and I love myself. I wish they could love me for who I am and who I am becoming. What if I end up with no friends? What if they all walk away? I’m so scared. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be thrown away as the stripper.

I’m not willing to quit my job. I feel like I have found my path, I have become myself. In Ryann I found truth. I love the person I am, and the person I will be. Not perfect, but real. I can’t go back even if I wanted to. I have already crossed that line. I think like a stripper. I am a stripper; I can’t pretend I’m not. I can’t explain the realities of my job accurately to mainstream society. I don’t have the energy to fake approval everyday. This industry changes you.

It’s complicated to make friends within the industry because of work schedules and lifestyles. It’s difficult because so many of us have been hurt so intensely that our defenses are resilient, and walls are impenetrable. I always find it challenging to find people I can relate to.

I’m scared, and I’m hurt. There is nothing I can do but wait. Wait for her anger to subside. Hope that my patience lasts, hope that my vulnerability doesn’t run out before her anger. I can’t stay open for long. It’s breaking my heart and weakening my soul. I’ve apologized, I’ve called, I’ve emailed. All that’s left is to leave.

I already feel my hurt and fear turning into resentment and aggression. I’m already tempted to say “well fuck you too. Lie to me, go ahead. I don’t care. I don’t need you. Throw me away like the rest.” I’m already tempted to put the walls in place and salvage what emotions I have left. I don't want to be alone.

It hurts too much to be wandering around in a daze, waiting. Waiting to see if she’ll talk to me, waiting to see if she cares. It hurts too much to spend my last few days at home wondering is I can add her to the list of people I’ve had to walk away from. I don’t have the time to wait. The window is closing...

It hurts. I don’t have the strength to stay vulnerable.

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7 Comments:

  • At 7:46 AM, Blogger Ginger said…

    Losing friends vs. finding yourself?
    Some people grow & some stay the same.
    Some people evolve & and some say "good bye".
    I am so sorry that you are hurting my friend. Remember that you are loved.

     
  • At 10:24 AM, Blogger Supafab said…

    My question to you is... do you see yourself doing this for the rest of your life? Or is it just a temporary thing.
    I don't think friends should judge you on your profession... they are supposed to support you no matter what. Perhaps you should question your friendship.

     
  • At 11:19 AM, Blogger Ryann said…

    It's not that temporary. When I first started I thought it would be, but I feel as though I belong, that I have found my path and that as strange as it may sound, that I was always meant to be a stripper.

    I intend on paying for school. I intend on dancing as long as it is financially, physically, and emotionally feasible. Considering that I am looking at a PhD as a long term goal that could equal out to a lot of years of dancing. I will be involved in the industry, in some capacity, for a number of years.

    If “friends” are waiting for me to quit, or stop being a stripper, or stop thinking like a stripper in order to feel comfortable or validate our friendship, they’re better off leaving now. This is me.

     
  • At 11:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 12:46 AM, Blogger Ryann said…

    [edit]

    abuse will not be tolerated.

     
  • At 9:19 PM, Blogger CeCe said…

    Hun, you being a stripper isn't going to stop me from being your friend. You are ____(insert real name there) to me, and I will still be your friend. That being said, I am finding it hard to continue to read your blog and just "accept" what you do for a living. But your job isn't who you are. I wait tables and sell hardware, but outside of work, I'm still "me". The fact that you choose to continue to work in a job that constantly makes you angry and bitter confuses me, and I can't just accept that. So, if you don't see me here on your blog very often, it's not 'cause I don't love YOU, it's 'cause your lifestyle makes me nervous. I'm just being honest.

     
  • At 7:25 AM, Anonymous Gölök Zoltán Leenderdt Franco Buday said…

    Good for you, why should you be bullied out of a noble carreer, now a spy is a true pornocratic piece of scum, cult leader, pimp/madam, those are evil deed based lives. Not stripping, and how would they be a friend if they don't like you this way; where they being two faced until they tricked you into seeing a mass where you were declared "unsaved"?
    Expecting you to convert and suck down fruit juice instead of whine while mindlessly following some charismatic magalomaniac instead of dancing anymore? Frankly if it were me it would inspire me to keep doing what you do, but I am male and just not built for those polls, frankly that shit is amazing to me, and not just some robotic standardised arobic trend, but individualized creative acts as well.

     

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