Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Friday, August 11, 2006

The feel of expectations

I’m distancing myself from the frustration. I want to scream “WHO do you want me to be? WHAT do you want me to do?” but I know the answers will only come from within. I would love to give the impression that my ‘real’ life is all sunshine and rainbows. I would love to tell a tale of total acceptance and nonjudgmental behavior but I’m human, as are those around me. I have a wonderful family, but families are weird. Being a member of a family is complicated. I’ve been fighting the need to write this down, because I try so hard to love and protect my family. But I will not lie. To lie is to be ashamed, and I am not.

For the first time in my life I am feeling the external lack of maternal pride. Many might say I should not expect it; I am a Stripper after all. But I do. My Mom has always been proud of me before, and the dull retraction of that support is cutting deep. I’m having trouble accepting it because I am FUCKING PROUD!! I feel strength, compassion, love, empowerment, and ambition in my heart. Most importantly I feel. I think. I learn. I am a complete loving, thinking, feeling human being. I’m not numb, nor am I lost.

I am more than yesterday, but without the experience of tomorrow. I do not need to rationalize nor explain my choices, yet here I am…

I don’t know if any two people can ever truly understand each other, but there are moments, and relationships where empathy and acceptance feel complete. Can that ever happen between parent and child or is the dynamic intrinsically filled with prescribed rolls bound by memories, expectations, misunderstandings and assumptions? Is there always a crevice hindering full recognition of the individual in which sexuality (among others things) falls into the rift?

Sexuality is a complex issue in our culture. Taboo and awkward in bridging the generation gap, I realize that many people struggle to accept their parents, children, or roll models as sexual beings. They FUCK… dirty, slippery, grunting, sweating, and ardent fucking!! We are individuals with fantasies, fetishes, and pheromones. I make a living playing with sexuality and performance. Behind closed doors or on stage I know who I am. I know that my sexuality does not negate my intellect. My passion is primal and devours learning as well as lust.

But is it the packaged sexuality or the societal stigma that is causing the tension?

Precisely where the stigma originates, or really how it permeates is difficult for me to predict and comprehend. I do know it is real, and can be harsh. I would be a fool to think it’s only directed at me; yes it touches my family and friends. I’m not unbreakable; I want to be defended and loved for all that I am. My daughter is a Stripper. Say it! Live it! Love it! Accept it!

Is it that men are looking at me, objectifying me, masturbating to my image, wanting to fuck me?
Is it that my job reflects on her acceptance in society? Would her peers judge her for “raising a stripper”? Is that an indication of parental failure?
(I am not a failure)
Is it that I am not striving to meet her expectations of law school or professional grandeur?
(the world changed, Degree = Debt (not job) but that's another blog)
Is it that I am not doing anything important or meaningful by mainstream definition?
Is it a feminist expectation to conform to set aspirations within the “You can do anything” propaganda?

Is it… “You’re too smart to be a Stripper”

Questioning, feeling and assuming... Ooops assuming, that’s never a good idea...



  • At 6:20 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    Everyone, no matter how much they try to ignore the stigmas of society, is affected by those ideals. For my Mom, the fact that I do not have a man that I will marry, and I do not plan on having a baby, is a shame for her. All my life, I have been the child she expected to do well in school, go to college, get the good job, find a man, get married and have her grandchildren. That mainly unspoken pressure has caused a growing rift between us as the years go by. I can see her struggle between wanting me to find my own happiness and her wanting me to have that "white picket fence" life. We can not please everyone, and it seems pleasing Mom can be the most difficult the older we are. She and I have a don't ask, don't tell policy on sex. It's hard to live with someone and not be able to talk about important issues, but I feel like it would hurt or upset her.

    Your Mom knows you are wonderful, but with all the prejudice you endure for your way of living, imagine how someone who doesn't really understands it enough to explain goes through with the hypocritical, close-minded people out there. You are different people who chose different paths and after being brought up believing sex is dirty and should be kept behind closed doors, how can she ever truly understand? When I am angry with my Mom and begin to judge her decisions, especially regarding my siblings, I remember what her life has been like, the hardships she endured for us. How dare I judge until I have been there myself? It is too bad we all can't walk a mile in each other's shoes....it could lead to much more understanding.

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm seeing it from another angle. My parents generation divorce was a rarity... Now I'm at the age where everyone is getting divorced (I choose to stay single).

    Parents of my friends are over reacting and saying you stay for good or bad. Ummm... no... husband cheats on you, GONE, husband is addicted to drugs and loses your house from the addiction, GONE.

    Our generations have pushed further ahead then their suppressed ones ever did. We are open to a lot more and want to experience a lot more. They were happy in their bubble, we want to understand more than the bubble.

  • At 12:44 PM, Blogger Ryann said…

    maybe I'm a bit younger. My generation was raised on divorce and I'm finding that my peers are fighting against that. It didn't work... and we (generation Y) are the product. but that's another blog (maybe I'll write that one tonight)

  • At 8:30 AM, Anonymous D`Anerah said…

    I know how you are feeling right now. For many years I worked in the sex industry and I never hid it from anyone. Not even my parents, because I was proud of the job I did.

    I made my own money, I supported my family and I never took anything from anyone. But my family, especially my mother took back her support over the years and told me I could do so much more with my life.

    It's disintergrated to the point where we don't even talk anymore. And even though I no longer do that job, she still looks at me the same way. And I wont apologise because like you, I'm not ashamed.

    As for you being a stripper. More power to you woman! And be it a stripper, a lawyer or a doctor, you could still have men lusting after you in any profession. I think you are a strong, brave individual. But that's just an aussie opinion.

    Take care.


  • At 9:32 PM, Blogger Forrest Gibb said…

    I would be devastated if my daughter grew up and became a stripper. Would I disown her? Absolutely not! Would it change our relationship? I have to be honest, it would. I would consider myself a major failure as a parent to some degree. I would resent her for not doing something more noble with her life and immediately or eventually it would adversely affect our relationship. To what degree? I pray I never find out.

    One of the most important lessons I want my daughter to learn is from Mark 8:36 - For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Money isn't everything.

    The choices we make also affect our loved ones.

  • At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Gölök (B.J.) Buday said…

    I always saw it as sensual since no one gets fucked except the idiot who thinks that a tip is a down payment on a little "action." But none the less, Proud? Is entertainment not an act of and based on humility and the humble excersize of metaphorical transformation to stimulate thinking and brighten another's life with the sight of beauty and the truth in an easy to swallow pill?
    As for fucking, I always laugh on bio pages of porn stars and even strippers under hobbies: sex, sex and more sex. More so with porn stars who do it for life and death or a living (at best). None the less, there is a collective attitude, especially about that boning thing, personally I think if you expressed your sexual or sensual feelings in art, humanities, science, athletics, and entertainment there would be less interest in it for later. After saying that my sense of humour and dirty jokes help me abstain a friend Ms. Nurnberg said, "maybe you compensate with a potty mouth." Now that's a decent point, all though part of it. Granted I think it makes me more of an ambiguous type, someone who's sexuality is "none-of-anyone's business" even if I abstain from it or may by statement it says nothing of what it is, and sometimes that is used as a joke; although also an ordeal for a joke to make it much easier.
    I am a freak of nature, I can defend physically (I will not say style(s)), yet I couldn't lift a heavy box with ease like a laborer (LD with dyslexia, dysgraphia, motor co-ordination problems and even tremours when my passions are not excersized); oddly enough if someone sees sex as a guide to fucking, they are sick, I see it and damn, it looks like lifting a piano up stairs. Hey is this sex or are you helping a friend move?
    Anyway, my act and humor aside, I agree that who you are is defined by ones self not anyone esle, it's our individuality and extension of our free will or a compliment to it.
    Are comedians wimps? Are actors fags? Broadway female company managers lesbian harrassers? Maybe the last one, but that's beside the point. A properpainting has many strokes and colors, not some broad stroke of black like some Quebec hack with an arts grant.
    Bless the stripper the last of the arts, athletics, humanities, sciences, and entertainments not spoiled by state grants to my knowlledge (granted Cafe Press helped me evade those things....so far I gather it's soley owned and not stock traded).
    But why yell it in pride? Any of it?
    It's just fine and subtle when you are secure in who and what you are. Shows how insecure queers are that parade about it, come to think about it. The only reason you hear Hungarians yell about it, is that they just talk in loud booming voices in regular conversations; I myself force my voice down a lot, then again, sometimes (being hated by some) it helps to hide in a softer quiet voice.


    Gölök Zoltán Buday
    "The weak enslaved themself, the meak are enslaved by others [often the weak]." -- Gölök Z. L. F. Buday

  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger Ryann said…

    D`Anerah I find that so sad. I'm sure you've made peace with it in some way, but I have trouble understanding how unconditional love comes with conditions.

    I would love to chat with you more. please feel free to email me.


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