The feel of expectations

I’m distancing myself from the frustration. I want to scream “WHO do you want me to be? WHAT do you want me to do?” but I know the answers will only come from within. I would love to give the impression that my ‘real’ life is all sunshine and rainbows. I would love to tell a tale of total acceptance and nonjudgmental behavior but I’m human, as are those around me. I have a wonderful family, but families are weird. Being a member of a family is complicated. I’ve been fighting the need to write this down, because I try so hard to love and protect my family. But I will not lie. To lie is to be ashamed, and I am not.

For the first time in my life I am feeling the external lack of maternal pride. Many might say I should not expect it; I am a Stripper after all. But I do. My Mom has always been proud of me before, and the dull retraction of that support is cutting deep. I’m having trouble accepting it because I am FUCKING PROUD!! I feel strength, compassion, love, empowerment, and ambition in my heart. Most importantly I feel. I think. I learn. I am a complete loving, thinking, feeling human being. I’m not numb, nor am I lost.

I am more than yesterday, but without the experience of tomorrow. I do not need to rationalize nor explain my choices, yet here I am…

I don’t know if any two people can ever truly understand each other, but there are moments, and relationships where empathy and acceptance feel complete. Can that ever happen between parent and child or is the dynamic intrinsically filled with prescribed rolls bound by memories, expectations, misunderstandings and assumptions? Is there always a crevice hindering full recognition of the individual in which sexuality (among others things) falls into the rift?

Sexuality is a complex issue in our culture. Taboo and awkward in bridging the generation gap, I realize that many people struggle to accept their parents, children, or roll models as sexual beings. They FUCK… dirty, slippery, grunting, sweating, and ardent fucking!! We are individuals with fantasies, fetishes, and pheromones. I make a living playing with sexuality and performance. Behind closed doors or on stage I know who I am. I know that my sexuality does not negate my intellect. My passion is primal and devours learning as well as lust.

But is it the packaged sexuality or the societal stigma that is causing the tension?

Precisely where the stigma originates, or really how it permeates is difficult for me to predict and comprehend. I do know it is real, and can be harsh. I would be a fool to think it’s only directed at me; yes it touches my family and friends. I’m not unbreakable; I want to be defended and loved for all that I am. My daughter is a Stripper. Say it! Live it! Love it! Accept it!

Is it that men are looking at me, objectifying me, masturbating to my image, wanting to fuck me?
Is it that my job reflects on her acceptance in society? Would her peers judge her for “raising a stripper”? Is that an indication of parental failure?
(I am not a failure)
Is it that I am not striving to meet her expectations of law school or professional grandeur?
(the world changed, Degree = Debt (not job) but that's another blog)
Is it that I am not doing anything important or meaningful by mainstream definition?
Is it a feminist expectation to conform to set aspirations within the “You can do anything” propaganda?

Is it… “You’re too smart to be a Stripper”

Questioning, feeling and assuming... Ooops assuming, that’s never a good idea...