Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Merry Fucking Christmas

Bah Fucking Humbug!! I hate Christmas.

I hate the malls, and worrying about my finances, and inevitably the finances of my family. I hate feeling like I should be working. I hate having days full of obligations and family pressure and the lack of time to maintain my sanity.

I hate that I had to work a few days and that I can’t buy the stuff I want to. I hate that I’m misplaced and I have no space. My room is a mess because there is nowhere to put anything. I have costumes and props, and Christmas presents, and wrapping paper EVERYWHERE!!! I step over my laundry to get to my bed and I hide at my desk to avoid the disaster. I want to clean it up, and organize my shit… but I don’t even think it’s possible. It’s not my house. I don’t have dresser drawers. I don’t have an office.

I don’t have a sanctuary.

I’m exhausted. I feel like there are a lot of expectations of me right now, and I don’t have the energy or motivation to meet them. I just want to relax. It seems like I have to make all the time for the obligations and none of the time for what I actually do like.

There are things I actually like about Christmas… like baking. I don’t have a quiet kitchen of my own, or even any basic ingredients. I miss making gingerbread. I miss decorating cookies, and putting together baked presents for friends. I miss visiting families (not mine) and munching on chocolates and drinking eggnog. I miss Trevor. I miss decorating and playing with garland. I miss being around to put up the Christmas tree.

I’m not in a romantic relationship, yet the stresses of every single relationship around me are frustrating and fucking exhausting. The minor bumps cause holiday stress. The misunderstandings, resentments, assumptions, and devastations are horrible. I don’t care who was supposed to buy what present, or how irresponsible people are. I don’t care.
Merry Fucking Christmas!

Who said holidays are happy?

Both of my best friends are pretty frazzled right now, and life is causing some tears. I want to make it better, or take the edge off the pain. Not only do I want my friends to know how amazing they are, I want everyone else that matters to know it too. They are two of the most incredible women I’ve ever met, and they deserve all the happiness in the world. I want to yell “Don’t you see how fucking stupid you’re acting!” But I can’t fix it. I can’t wave a magic wand and make everything okay. I wish I could. They couldn’t save me from the tears, or help me heal faster, or make my path any easier… I can’t for them either. But I want to. It’s that damn empathy. People are pissing me off because I feel their hurt and frustrations. I feel their tears.

I hate it when people are so fucking insensitive, or cruel, or ignorant to my friends or family. I don’t want to listen to my Mom be dismissive and aggressive when dealing with Daddy. Her attitude sucks. He doesn't make it easy. I don’t want my friends to hurt.

I’ve always hated Christmas. For as long as I can remember this holiday has represented family fights. ‘tis the season for guilt and manipulation. ‘Tis the season for passive aggressive bullshit and blame. I should visit more with Gramma. I should play with my brother. Can I drive to the mall? Can I pick up my sister?

It’s my fault. I cause the family stress. Everyone is happy and gets along just fine when I’m not there. I know that’s not actually true, but I’ve heard it so many times over the years that the thought of Christmas day with my family makes me nauseous. I don’t believe it will ever be anything but emotional hell. I don’t want to hear the sides of my parents’ disagreements. I think they both act stupid. I don't want to be in the middle of the bickering. I don’t want to sit in the kitchen and lie to my Gramma.

I miss Trevor. I miss his carefree attitude and joyous perspective. I miss laughing during this season. I miss being around children who believe in Santa. I miss the delight of friendship. I miss being around people that LIKE Christmas. I’ve always dreaded Christmas with my family. I guess I just don’t have the happy friends right now to infuse me with some holiday spirit.

I want to cry. I’m so stressed out and exhausted right now. Nothing is actually wrong. I miss Trevor, but I’m used to life without him. My family is getting along, and everyone loves everyone. Everyone is healthy and well. Nothing is wrong. It’s just Christmas… and I hate Christmas.

I don’t know what I want. I just need… space? Maybe I just need to cry. Maybe I’m just trying to handle this whole season entirely too sober. Why doesn’t Starbucks serve booze? I need to take a day or three for me. I need to sleep in and somehow find time to do something that I actually like. I want to bake cookies.

It’s Christmas… I want to run away.

I’m just exhausted.

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4 Comments:

  • At 12:29 PM, Blogger Ginger said…

    oh friend...I hope that we got through some of that Christmas BS last night. Sometimes all it takes is to sit in the shit. It's a new day today and this season is almost done. Maybe next year we will put into action our plan of the "Christmas Family Exchange" program? Or, we could go away somewhere and just let Christmas happen without us ('cept the parts we actually want to happen).

     
  • At 1:31 AM, Blogger s said…

    That was a sad read. Sorry to hear Christmas sucks for you. It's definitely not perfect for me either..money tight, obligations high, etc.. but tonight I walked down 6 blocks of Christmas-light adorned houses, including one fully made up as a gingerbread house, and it was just so gorgeous! Not to mention fun to see it through the eyes of the kids there.

     
  • At 1:41 AM, Blogger deepthoughts said…

    i think the main problem is the no baking. i didn't get a chance to bake either and i feel empty. wanna come over and we can bake cookies with my mom? you'd like her. just don't tell her what you do for a living. we'll pretend you're a nurse. which you kinda are in a way.

    also, don't forget that you RULE woman. don't let the family stress get to you if you can. try and take joy in the little things like jo said, xmas lights reflected in the joyous eyes of little kids (who don't have to shop and just get to enjoy all the prezzies;))

    love ya,

    kat

     
  • At 10:06 PM, Anonymous Gölök said…

    I hate malls and shopping to, but man does it stink, I did it online, Amazon.ca is still on wait to deliver, Amazon.com that was quicker; my Cafetuer friend got it sooner than family, in some cases; dury the busy season ironically a mall is a god sent, as it is I prefer the social existence of the real world commerse to e-shopping; the e-shopping's best for hard to find, like Cafe Press specialties and It's Happy Bunny books. That or a trip down south, "Ottawa on the Hudson."

    best

    Gölök Z. L. F. Buday

     

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