It doesn't matter what I say.

I had a great night. The company was great. The music was awesome and there was no bloodshed or tears. (at least that I know of)

I doubt I can defend my absurd relationship with The Musician. I know many people would be much happier if I would just find a (good enough) man and become part of a societal acceptable partnership. Then I would be properly “figured out” and categorized. I would meet other people’s expectations of what I deserve and what I need and everyone could sleep at night- everyone except me.

I know it doesn’t matter what I say. It doesn’t matter if I say I’m happy, or if I say I don’t want a boyfriend, it’ll still be heard as something entirely different. People will hear that I don’t think I’m good enough, or that I just haven’t met the “right one”. People will say “just wait- it’ll happen to you when you least expect it”.

It doesn’t matter what I say. It doesn’t matter how I feel. I’m something else. I don’t fit into that bubble. I never have. I don’t even want to. I don’t even want to care about The Musician, but I do. Maybe someday I’ll feel differently.

I’m selfish when it comes to my life. I don’t want to take anyone else into consideration.

I guess people are welcome to read my words and think I’m lost or in denial, or just waiting… I know it doesn’t matter what I say.