The secret...

Is it my fault? Am I so used to being in the shadows that I can’t even admit where I am? Am I still so afraid of being vulnerable that I’m willing to hide forever?

Am I so incapable of falling in love that I clutch to stupid moments, negating the powerful perfection of lying naked beside him listening to his voice in the dark, savoring his taste on my lips, soothing his humanity in my arms.

What if he’s not as dangerous as I tell myself he is… I’m so scared of being hurt that I’m willing to ignore the beauty. I adore him.

Where am I?
Can I run away?
Where do I go from here?
Do I hide?
Do I not…

It’s my own horrible pattern. It’s too easy to lie and manipulate. I used to befriend girls in order to gain confidence and access to their boyfriends. Really I am that evil. It’s so easy to be the other. Double life… I’m trying to change. I’m trying to be sincere and honest… without fear. I’m working on it.

I was faced this evening with a glaring reality. I found myself in a situation where I had to choose between lying to someone I hope will become a friend, and coming clean and being honest about my involvement with The Musician. My first reaction was to smile sweetly and remain in the shadows. All I wanted to do was listen and remain a passive observer.

I’m so used to being a secret that I’m overwhelmed with fear at admitting the reality. I was terrified to say it out loud. No gory details, no time frame, no emotional admissions… just a simple statement “He and I are involved” caused panic in my mind and a knot in my stomach.

Can I continue to blame him if I continue to lie to the world? If I deliberately remain the affair, the secret, the other… can I still blame him for it?

Tonight I chose honesty. I hope it was worth it.