Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007


Does everyone cheat? I’m tossing around a couple of thoughts right now about who to trust and how to trust and how does the concept and practice of monogamy fit into it all.

I’m single. We all know that. I might have feelings and even emotional attachments, but I’m not in an exclusive anything. I don’t have to think about it until someone requests it and at the rate I’m going that could be a very long time.

I look around and I’m scared. I’m surrounded by liars, mistakes, and disappointments.

I’m jaded. I see it in the bar and I hear about it from my friends. “I can’t believe he cheated on me.” “He lied.” I’ve seen so much. I’ve heard so many rationalizations and excuses. “It’s not working. It doesn’t matter.”

But here I am, lying on my living room floor, wondering when do the lies start? Why does the communication break down? Is there any way to avoid it? I’ve been on the outside watching for so many years, more times than I care to remember. I’ve been the mistress and the affair. I’ve been the cheater and the liar.

I’ve been the friend.

I watch the tears stream, and the chest ache. I watch the hearts break and the expectations shatter time after time. I’ve felt it. I know that sickening feeling when fear meets reality and hope is stripped bare. I know what it feels like to choke on your breath, unable to do anything but stare into the mirror and watch the tears well. Eventually the reflection hardens, experience they call it. The acute pain subsides, jaded remains.

It hurts.

So many people seem to live in a bubble of denial, needing their partner to be perfect. Personal relationships aren’t easy. I understand why people leave and I know why they stay. No one is perfect and expectations often take the place of acceptance and love. When love is thrown into the equation people want to protect their partner. So often that desire to shelter their partner turns into a breakdown of communication. “No you don’t look fat in those pants” turns into “I would never look at another woman”.

I’m afraid of being blinded by love. I hope for honesty, not monogamy. I’m terrified of turning into one of those women that believes “he would never do it to me.” Only to be blindsided by betrayal.

I’m never surprised, but I’m often appalled. I know I’ve done it. I know I’ve taken advantage of that trust in the past. I know I’ve manipulated situations and lied. I know I’ve left out certain details and made excuses. I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to lie or pretend to be someone I’m not. Does that mean I won’t?

People fuck up. I know I’ve done things that many would regret. They say “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” I guess that means me? I can’t judge. I won’t judge.

Why do people cheat? I’ve always thought I understood… but I guess what I want to know is… why do people stay faithful? Is it possible? Is it reasonable? Is it a reasonable expectation or does everyone ‘slip up’ on occasion? Attraction and temptation are always going to be there. Is the value of a relationship judged by will power? If not, how do you determine the value and worth of a relationship?

I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what the deal breakers are anymore. I’ve seen too much to believe it couldn’t happen to me.

I’ve lived too much to believe I can protect myself from heart break. I can’t stop my friends from dying. I can’t avoid grief. Loss is a part of life and even though I’m scared I don’t want to be detached forever.

I’m so scared of being lied to, but I’m terrified of always being the affair. I want to be the one that matters. I want to be the lover and inspiration. I’m scared but I know I want the more… somehow, someday. I want the magic.

I don’t know what to feel or say. I don’t have an answer.

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  • At 8:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    "why do people stay faithful?"

    - If you get into a strong monogamous relationship, the fear of losing the relationship is stronger than the immediate outside desires. That doesn't mean that they're not tempted, nor does it mean that it's always easy. It requires lots of work from everyone involved.

    "Once a cheater, always a cheater”

    - Bull. It's a daily decision. The future is not cast in stone. Yesterday is always yesterday.

    "I don’t want to lie or pretend to be someone I’m not"

    - Good. Every relationship is completely unique. While that may be harder at first, over the long term that makes for a much stronger foundation.

    "I’m afraid of being blinded by love"

    - Aren't we all. But the alternative over the long term (not really living life) is much worse...

    "I don’t have an answer"

    - Welcome to the club! - RLD

  • At 2:31 PM, Blogger Trée said…

    Ryann, we all fuck up all the time. In the end, forgiveness is what keeps us sane. That and someone that knows the art of kissing. :-D

  • At 12:17 PM, Blogger Angry Orange said…

    Everyone strives to be happy and in that they think they can find happiness in others – completeness with someone, but really it is within one’s self. If you are unhappy, you can never be happy in a relationship long term – I always laugh at weddings when I hear someone say “You complete me” I think to myself that this one is destined for failure. You have to be complete yourself, happy with who you are before you can be with someone else forever.

    This leads to the problems with communication and all the other fun things that destroy the relationship. I had one friend whose wife said to him “I should be happier” He asked what did she want – she couldn’t answer the question. They had all the material things a young couple would want – successful careers, a new home, new cars, and the picture perfect marriage. He couldn’t figure out what she wanted and she couldn’t tell him. She ended up cheating on him and they are now divorced.

    I can see why people would say once a cheater always a cheater. If they can’t learn to be happy by themselves – they are ultimately going to reap a path of relationship destruction. If they do spend time on their own and realize what they need to change, they can come out of that rut.

    Young couples will always make mistakes because they are exploring and learning who they are – its just emotional evolution. They cheat, they get cheated on. They hurt others and they get hurt by others. There is no escaping this, but what you learn from it is the key. If you write off your cheating as “something I just did because she was hot!” then you are going to be learning for sometime.

    I feel true solid couples compliment one another and in that they both must be happy. These are the couples that don’t slip up because they know deep down they are happy and they know that what is on the other side of the fence isn’t better than where they are right now.

    As for you finding the magic – you will find it first within yourself and then with someone else. I believe you are going to get there because I can see the person growing through your writings. You are learning :D


  • At 11:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    After reading something on cheating this morning, I really don't think that it has anything to do with whether monogamy is a natural state, or even a desirable one! I think it has to do with egos and feelings, etc.

    Apparently after your partner finds out that you have cheated on them for the first time, you only have 35% odds of holding on to the relationship.

    They didn't track whether after subsequent cheating the percentages kept dropping, and if so by how much, and if the odds start to level off after a certain number of times, etc.

    But I do think that answers your question about why some couples are monogamous.

    Next time that you meet someone that you're really interested in, keep in mind that everytime that you cheat (according to the odds) you have likely completely written off all previous relationships.

    Not great news I know, but it's probably quite accurate in the world of relationships! (Now I understand why FB's seem to be a lot easier to maintain).


  • At 4:15 PM, Blogger sabin06 said…

    Some cheat cause they are unsure of the relationship they are in. some cheat when they see another woman that might catch their intrest. its hard to find some one who doesn't cheat at all those kind of people are rare it seems that way to me.

  • At 4:02 PM, Blogger Steve said…

    i'm gonna bring up polyamory once and declare they are not cheaters.

    sometimes i think it is sad that mundane people who cheat and are cheated on get upset when drama happens.

    if we practiced unconditional love all the time, then we'd able to forgive a cheat.

    because we are human, we err.

    too many people are not divine.

    too many people think forgiveness is for losers.

    however, forgiveness is not about winning and losing.

    it's about compassion, and being able to love unconditionally.

    while i've never cheated on anyone, i've been cheated on once.

    now i live with my ex-gf and her new bf, and cos of my philosophy of compassionm, unconditional love and forgiveness, i live as roomies with them.

    this is why i brought up polyamory. it shows what real love is. it has monogamy beat, because any drama means the person causing drama is booted out of the relationship.

    since cheating is about drama, then the person hurt by the cheater is just as responsible for keeping the peace as the cheater.

    for everytime i hear about cheating drama, i reflect on polyamory.

    now i am single right now, but if my best female friend gets back to me, then i'd let her have protected sex withmen and women she likes, as long as she comes home to me.

    heck, if she brings home a friend to share, then so be it.

    but that's not happening right now. '(

    it sucks to be alone.

  • At 7:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I can agree with the "Higher Road" sentiments expressed by Steve.

    But the numbers are clear. It doesn't work. Period.



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