Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Dating vs. Fucking

Well most of my friends are aware that I’m “dating” again and know how incredibly unique my perceptions are. Spader was asking me about how my most recent date had gone and after my detached report he broke it down for me. “Most people don’t think of “fucking” and “dating” as two mutually exclusive worlds that shall never meet. Most people actually fuck the people they date.”

Ick. What?

I’m totally busted on that one. I guess the key to my learning how to date, or eventually even consider a relationship will be in convincing me to fuck the men I date, or date the men I fuck. This looks like a pretty big challenge.

Here’s my logic.

Say you meet a guy in a bar, decide he’s good enough and take him home and fuck him. Everyone can acknowledge that as a one-night stand. It is what it is and it works well for some people. But say you meet a guy in a bar and you like him. You make out with him a bit but don’t have sex because you like him. First date goes well. Second date is lovely. By the third date the expectation of sex is there. So say you fuck him because you’ve been wanting to do him since you first met him, but one-night stands are ‘dirty’ or whatever.

The way I see it the difference between fucking the first night or on the third date is about six hours in time spent together. In my mind it’s still fucking a stranger and it doesn’t do anything for me. Most guys aren’t willing to hang around without getting laid for the months it takes for me to decide if I’m even interested. After three dates he’s not someone I know, or trust. Instead of some guy that bought a couple drinks- he’s some guy that’s bought a couple dinners.

If I wanted to have sex with men I either don’t know, or barely know, I’d be an escort.

I have no desire to have sex with a man I hardly know. At this point I’m envious of the incredible women that do. I’ve been off work for a month now because of this stupid accident and honestly I am wishing I was comfortable fucking strangers because then I wouldn’t be in such a financial free-fall. I could just fuck for money and be done with it.

I don’t know why some women are able to do it and others aren’t but I know it’s not something that is an emotionally healthy option for me.

The Musician was someone I trusted and someone that I actually took the time to know. I was comfortable with him, and I felt safe in our isolated affair. I knew his life and he knew mine and it was a very honest relationship. The rules changed and the affair ended but I can’t just replace that with some random guy I hardly know.

The few men that have earned the title “fuck buddy” in my life have been long term (years) affairs with a man that I feel to be a kindred spirit and with who I share a powerful connection. Granted I’ve certainly lived through my share of heart breaks and disasters but at least it was always honest and real. Attachments do develop after years of being intimate with someone but I’d still rather have that than a 3-week fling with some guy I hardly know.

I still wouldn’t recommend dating me. I’m complicated.

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10 Comments:

  • At 10:28 AM, Anonymous rori said…

    Ryann, your posting reminds me of some other comments I've heard. "I can't date him, he's a friend." is the most classic of them. I honestly don't understand the logic behind that type of statement. Admittedly though both girlfriends I've had were friends for years before and after the relationships.

    Maybe there's some paranoia that if you go out with a friend, you may loose them as a friend if the relationship doesn't last.
    If the friendship can't withstand dating then maybe it wasn't a good friendship to begin with. Also, in my case, you don't get to be one of my best friends without an argument with me, or at least a well reasoned debate.
    Someone that just blindly agrees with you isn't a great friend, and would be a far worse relationship. Those that disagree with you yet will stick by your side and support you are the best friends to have.

     
  • At 11:03 AM, Blogger Ryann said…

    what about when the guys that are supposed to be a friend fuck everything up by trying to fuck you?

    I'm not scared to date or fuck a friend- I'm just not interested.

    besides I'm not talking about friends here. I'm talking about new people that don't have years of established trust. I'm far more likely to fuck a friend than some new guy

     
  • At 7:19 PM, Blogger Angry Orange said…

    Dating is just fucked up. Games and lies most of the time. Everyone seems to be trying to impress instead of being who they are and laying out what they want. One of the best dates I’ve ever had was with a woman that said to me “I’m not looking for sex or a serious relationship. I want to meet people and make friends – expand my circle. If you are hunting for something more, move on.”

    I laughed my ass off with the friends that want to screw you or fall “in love” with you when you only see them as a friend. Then the fireworks begin. In the end you are left wondering what the hell happened and how you lost a “good friend” because he just couldn’t get it. I’ve done that to a female friend. I had apologized years later after the losing touch portion of the situation. It definitely sucks and is a sure sign of maturity (or lack of) on the friends part..

    But getting back to the building of trust, nobody seems to want to invest the time in people anymore. They are all in a hurry to get to the goal that they’ve set up in their mind. The best relationships I have ever had are with people that I invested time with. The rewards (a friend or a lover) have been what they are and there is very little I can do to change them as I am only 50% of the equation. I guess the investment and reconciliation of the outcome comes with age because I definitely didn’t feel that way when I was in my early 20s. Ugh do I feel old now.

    Maybe you should just expand your “No sex in Alberta” rule to include the rest of Canada and Washington state (since you are pretty close to it) That way a guy is going to have to take you someplace on a trip and that is something you don’t do on a third date ;)

    Orangie

     
  • At 7:16 PM, Blogger Thai said…

    Have you seen the CNN video on U. Nebraska student's sociology honours thesis on strip clubs?

    This is it:
    http://www.cnn.com/video/player/player.html?url=/video/us/2007/05/23/ketv.stripping.for.credit.affl


    It definately reminded me of your blog.

     
  • At 8:15 PM, Blogger Gadzilla said…

    I dunno Ryann.. You sound pretty normal to me. All joking aside, when its right, its right.. it doesn't matter if its the first date, or the 100th. By the way, I am sorry your still down with your injury. If there is anything I can do to help, feel free to email/message/telegram/pigeon/... me.

    G

     
  • At 6:59 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    I dated a guy who pretty much told me when we broke up that there was something wrong with me because I don't do the "friends with benefits" thing and don't just have sex to have sex. Maybe I am wrong, but I want to care for someone and be exclusive to them...not just fuck them. It's just not worth it.

     
  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger Ryann said…

    thanks guys. I kinda doubt that I'll ever figure out how to date by their standards-- I'm okay with that.

    Orange- I totally agree. no one wants to spend the time, and trust takes time.

    gadzilla- thank you. it's been rough. I really appreciate the support.

     
  • At 10:35 PM, Blogger Light & Fluffy said…

    I can't seem to figure out how to date OR just fuck someone. I hadn't, until this point, tried to determine whether the two go together or not.
    In the past I have just fucked, I have also waited to get to know them before fucking them. since I am single and kind of not loving it now, I think it's fair to say that neither has worked all that well for me.
    So now what?

     
  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger Semi-Celibate Man said…

    I love the insight in this post. I learned more about you - complicated indeed. But interesting!

     
  • At 5:09 PM, Anonymous Gölök said…

    Heh, love the escort line, good one.
    Why is it considered wierd to people to say going down on a lady is foreplay, this a question I can't answer. I figured it's why some guys fear foreplay, another thing that is silly and difficult to figure out. The times can be busy and hectic, but if you have time to start something intimate, you'd think you could finish it; even the mental stuff, the intellectual discutions.

    Best,

    Gölök Zoltán Buday
    "Small Government's A Start" -- Gölök Z. L. F. Buday. (Seeking 2005 Vancouver Mayor's Seat, Sought in 2002 and 1996).

     

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