I don't know...

The house is quiet and empty- really empty. But I’m trying to make it a home. In the meantime I’m sitting on my living room floor eating Wendy’s fries. Mmmm. It’s my first night in my new place. I guess I’m here now.

It’s been a good night. I went to the history of sex work launch party and was thrilled to be in the company of so many incredible people. It’s a stunning exhibit. We watched a couple burlesque shows and danced a bit, talked a lot, and enjoyed the evening.

I just got back from The Musician’s show.

See the thing is- I like him. I don’t know when it changed. I don’t know when I began to miss him, but suddenly I’m aware that there are more feelings there (at least on my side) than I thought. My first reaction is to run like hell and stop talking to him immediately. My second reaction is to go fuck someone else just to avoid my emotions (no that’s not an offer and no I’m not actually going to). My third reaction is just to deny it all and pretend I don’t care.

It was a wonderful evening, and a strange evening. I was with great friends and we danced and danced and danced. It was lovely. But at some point in the evening I realized that I was in a room with the first woman I’d been in a romantic triangle with (12 years ago) and the most recent women for whom I’ve been the other woman in her relationship (The Musician’s ex-girlfriend)

Ugh. I think my stomach just clenched. I don’t even know what to say about that. Hell I don’t even know what to think about it.

I should probably maybe kinda somehow actually let him in on the secret. Should I?
I assume people should just know how I feel but then I listen to myself be so defensive and dismissive and I wonder if I really come across that cold.

All I know how to do is run and hide and lick my wounds when it comes to romantic feelings. Maybe someone can tell me- step by step- what I’m supposed to do here. Because I honestly don’t know.