Change.

My life is changing again. I’m not sure how I’m dealing with it, but I suppose I am. Nothing feels too drastic, except the lack of work-- but when I step back and look at my life I’m struck by how rapidly my world has shifted.

I’m hurt and no amount of demanding to be better is helping. I’ve had to accept that it’s going to take time and even though I want to be healed and back at work yesterday- that’s just not realistic. My circumstances have changed significantly and I know the financial repercussions of this accident are forcing me to make some tough choices. I’ve already spent next year’s tuition and even once I’m back at work it’s probably going to take me a while to get myself back on track.

My personal life is different. All of a sudden I’ve run out of excuses, and I have free time. I’m dating again. Nothing serious but I haven’t seen The Musician in a while and this time I think we might be done. He and I have certainly gone longer without speaking and we’ve had our share of ups and downs over the years-- but this feels different. Some things were said and some things have just changed. It’s one thing for me to just not care. I’ve been emotionally unavailable for a long time. It’s totally another for me to try to force myself to pretend not to care.

I know many people will be glad to see that affair fade into the past, but I’m not. I miss him and I’m hurt that he’s dropped off the face of the planet when I’m so bored and isolated in this city. I know it was just an affair and that I never really meant anything to him… but there were moments when I thought maybe I did.

Sometimes I feel like so many people want something for me that I don’t want, that wouldn’t be what I need. I know I have some friends that just want me to find a “nice guy” that will treat me “right”. I probably shouldn’t be so annoyed by that desire. But it’s impossible to convey that their idea of a good relationship is simply not what I need.

I don’t want or need a nice guy. I need something different and I’m not willing to settle for a stand-in or warm body. I’d rather be alone than give myself to someone that has no chance of ever understanding or appreciating me. I know what I need. I’ve known for years what I actually need. I just expect it to take years for Him to find me.

What I need is rare and there are very few Men that are powerful enough to be with me. I want my soul mate. I don’t know who He is. I don’t know what His face looks like or what He smells like but I know what He is.