I saw The Brat

I saw The Brat tonight while I was out for dinner with a friend. He was with some blonde girl and they looked absolutely miserable. I watched from the shadows of my booth as he drummed his fingers on the table and she stared awkwardly into her lap.

From the corner of my eye I caught some gesture that triggered my memory. My mood sank as I turned and watched him, allowing my mind to float over memories. He saw me. I saw him. We never made eye contact. We didn’t speak. But I saw him, and that’s all it took. I remember that I liked him. I remember that he didn’t want me. It was just weird seeing him again. I didn’t expect it.

I’m so tired of being a secret. I don’t know what I actually want, or what I’m capable of… but I’m just tired of being disposable. Seeing The Brat brought back a multitude of memories, how much fun we used to have laughing and arguing together, how peaceful I felt walking along the beach with him, and how disappointed I was when he chose someone else. They all choose someone else.

I want to be with someone I trust enough to fall asleep with. I want to be with someone that I know actually cares about me. I don’t know how. Really, I don’t believe it exists- not for me.