Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Sunday, May 27, 2007


I can’t really discuss the details of this one. I’ve been intentionally avoiding mentioning him… well forever. Alexander is a bit of an enigma in my life and has been for years. Through all my stories he’s remained an intentional void that I’ve trying to brush off as insignificant. My closest friends know he exists, but almost no one knows who he is. He’s my secret.

I’ve been drawn to Alexander since the moment we met. He seduced me five years ago and I’ve been unable to walk away since. I was young, and infatuated with his dominance and charisma. His soft blue eyes saw through me faster than anyone previously or since. His arrogance fascinated and scared me. His manner would float between flirty and attentive, and condescending and dismissive. He was charming and manipulative, and I fell into his seduction. I loved the feel of his soft blonde hair between my fingers, his strong hands caressing my soft body, the smell of him, and the taste of his skin.

That was forever ago and now it’s just different. I don’t know what to say about him. I don’t know what to say about how I am around him… The reality is that once I accepted that The Musician and I had probably run our course I stopped avoiding Alexander. I hadn’t seen him in almost two years but we had been flirting over email for the past few months. I finally gave in and let him back into my life a couple weeks ago.

I expected it to be a no good very bad idea but things have changed, as I guess one would expect after five years, and I’m surprised. I grew up and the games we used to play have matured into something I can’t define.

I want to hate him simply because of what he represents and how impossible he is but I melt in his arms, wrapped in a false sense of comfort. I’m simultaneously powerful, content, and vulnerable. I feel exposed, weak, and intensely calm when I’m his presence. I alternate between adoring and despising him. I want him to kiss me and hold me, torment me, challenge and restrain me. I want him to caress me. I just want to feel his energy around me.

I’m apprehensive talking about it, but it’s real now and I’m having trouble avoiding the trepidation in my mind. I’m scared of him. I’m scared of how I feel about him and how I could feel. I like being around him. We’ve existed in such an isolated bubble that really we don’t know each other. I don’t know how to properly define it anymore but fuck-buddy is still probably the most accurate. I’m in unfamiliar territory and my level of vulnerability worries me. I doubt he wants me for anything more than a play toy but if I’m honest with myself I know I’m actually curious to get to know him. I could get hurt—I know.

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  • At 4:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Good luck!! Try to think positive. ""This time me won't get hurt"" "" This time me won't get hurt"".....Let it be yer mantra. And if ya beleives it then it will happen. You WON'T get hurt. It could end up being a good thing. Who knows???


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