Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

I want more

I haven’t been writing much lately. My energy has been zapped and I feel like I’ve been pulled in too many directions at the same time. I had to take a break in order to figure out where I am and how to get things done.

I haven’t been able to talk about my life lately because even though it’s been both comfortable and lovely I want more.

I want Love.

I haven’t spoken to The Musician in a couple months. It’s better that way but I do miss him. I ended things with Alexander as well. That one is harder. I actually like him. But he knows where I am and what I want. I’m not willing to settle.

I want a boyfriend. I want something real. I want to actually let myself fall in love and risk being vulnerable. I want to be with a man that adores me for who I am. I’m done with expiry dates. I’m totally emotionally available and I want to be a part of something amazing.

So I’ve walked away from my comfortable and safe affairs. It’s taking far more will power than I care to admit. Alexander seems determined to stick around. But unless he wants to love me it doesn’t matter. I want more than a night.

I’m not disappearing for weeks or months on the road anymore. I get to sleep in my own bed every night and the constant good-byes have stopped. I have a life now. I have a home and a city with friends. I hosted (and cooked) a wonderful turkey feast for my friends. Fourteen of us sat around a plastic table cloth and had a fabulous Thanksgiving picnic on my living room floor. It was perfect. It was friendship, laughter, and great food and wine. I couldn’t ask for a better night.

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3 Comments:

  • At 11:05 PM, Blogger KellyNerd said…

    cheers to you for moving on, moving forward and growing! you are so brave!

     
  • At 9:42 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    You're a tough, smart lady. You will get what you want. I am sure of it. He will be a truly lucky man!

     
  • At 7:21 AM, Blogger Tyler said…

    A thanksgiving picnic in the living room? That's cool! I didn't get turkey this year. Either parent didn't seem to want to do it this year. Guess next year I'll try and cook a turkey my place is big enough for the family. I want to get back into cooking too lol.

    Hope you find what you're looking for. I'm looking for something similar too... but yea..

     

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