I want more

I haven’t been writing much lately. My energy has been zapped and I feel like I’ve been pulled in too many directions at the same time. I had to take a break in order to figure out where I am and how to get things done.

I haven’t been able to talk about my life lately because even though it’s been both comfortable and lovely I want more.

I want Love.

I haven’t spoken to The Musician in a couple months. It’s better that way but I do miss him. I ended things with Alexander as well. That one is harder. I actually like him. But he knows where I am and what I want. I’m not willing to settle.

I want a boyfriend. I want something real. I want to actually let myself fall in love and risk being vulnerable. I want to be with a man that adores me for who I am. I’m done with expiry dates. I’m totally emotionally available and I want to be a part of something amazing.

So I’ve walked away from my comfortable and safe affairs. It’s taking far more will power than I care to admit. Alexander seems determined to stick around. But unless he wants to love me it doesn’t matter. I want more than a night.

I’m not disappearing for weeks or months on the road anymore. I get to sleep in my own bed every night and the constant good-byes have stopped. I have a life now. I have a home and a city with friends. I hosted (and cooked) a wonderful turkey feast for my friends. Fourteen of us sat around a plastic table cloth and had a fabulous Thanksgiving picnic on my living room floor. It was perfect. It was friendship, laughter, and great food and wine. I couldn’t ask for a better night.