lonely
This fucking sucks!
I’m lonely. I’ve thrown it all up in the air in the hopes that changing everything will change patterns. I ended things with Alexander. I was honest with The Musician.
I want more. I want to be more than the affair or the mistress or the fuck-buddy. I want to be with a man that actually cares about me, that believes in me, and that can accept me-- stripper and all.
But I doubt it’ll happen. I’m isolated in a bar and I’m not available for most social events. The logistics of my job make everything difficult. The perceptions of my job make it impossible. My friend Reid told me last night “You’re awesome. If someone would just take the time to get to know you, you’d never have a problem.”
But they don’t.
I don’t want to be treated like I’m disposable the entire time I’m dancing. I don’t want to have to quit the job I adore just to have hope that someone could actually love me.
Maybe that’s how it works. Maybe it’s just a matter of waiting for that scale to tip. My job is still more important to me than a relationship. I love my job. But maybe that’s why dancers retire… when being lonely finally outweighs the love of dancing.
I’m lonely. I’ve thrown it all up in the air in the hopes that changing everything will change patterns. I ended things with Alexander. I was honest with The Musician.
I want more. I want to be more than the affair or the mistress or the fuck-buddy. I want to be with a man that actually cares about me, that believes in me, and that can accept me-- stripper and all.
But I doubt it’ll happen. I’m isolated in a bar and I’m not available for most social events. The logistics of my job make everything difficult. The perceptions of my job make it impossible. My friend Reid told me last night “You’re awesome. If someone would just take the time to get to know you, you’d never have a problem.”
But they don’t.
I don’t want to be treated like I’m disposable the entire time I’m dancing. I don’t want to have to quit the job I adore just to have hope that someone could actually love me.
Maybe that’s how it works. Maybe it’s just a matter of waiting for that scale to tip. My job is still more important to me than a relationship. I love my job. But maybe that’s why dancers retire… when being lonely finally outweighs the love of dancing.
posted by Ryann @ 10:58
12 Comments:
At 1:25 PM,
KellyNerd said…
Aw, I think you could find a really nice guy who works at night also ... shift work or something who would be available to get up with you in the morning, make you breakfast, walk on the beach and see you safely to your night job before he goes to his... I see this for you.
So um, there you go. It can it will happen!! =)
At 11:02 PM,
Ryann said…
Well I managed to go almost 2 years allowing anonymous comments. That's pretty good considering how strong of opinions stupid people seem to have.
But those days are done now. I don't need it. No more hiding behind anonymous bullshit.
So friends get a name, sign in as something and please continue to comment.
At 12:19 AM,
Dr. Zaire said…
You think you have it tough with your nite schedule? You should talk to the people that work the nite shift at IKEA (warehousing). They work from midnite till 8 am. Five days a week. Worse than being a bartender and without any of the perks or money.
At 7:54 AM,
Cairde said…
I hope you are wrong about not finding a loving partner while you have a job you love. You deserve the very best.
At 1:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Me does not beleive that you has to give up stripping to find a man who will love you for you. Call me a fucking Pollyanna or whatever else BUT there is someone for everyone. You dear friend hasnt come to that yet. When you meet the man who will make you happy yer gonna know it. Me beleives this with all me heart. If someone cant accept ya cuz yer a dancer then is they really worth it??
At 9:41 PM,
Angry Orange said…
Just wanted to say your post really made me think a lot. I think that commenting on it just doesn't seem right, best to just listen.
At 3:38 PM,
thatgirl said…
hey girlfriend,
i totally feel for you on the man front. i can only imagine how men react to your occupation. well i don't need to imagine all that much, because i see it. firstly, men see you as an object. secondly, they see you as an object that other men get to share in a pretty sexual way, even if it's not actually sex. and judging by the way every man i've ever been with has reacted to the idea of sharing me in any way with another man i'd say the chances of finding one who is fine with you showing your body freely to other men is pretty freaking slim. not impossible mind, but very very difficult. most men don't even like the idea of their woman smiling at other men, let alone showing them their beautiful breasts and such. so you need to find a man (and i'm not saying such a thing doesn't exist, i've just never seen one) secure enough to let you show yourself to other men, and at the same time secure, intelligent and enlightened enough to treat you as an equal. i sincerely wish you the best of luck with this. if you find such a man, do you think you could clone him for the rest of us? thanks.
At 4:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
Don't you think Deepthoughts, that you might have missed something much more obvious?
Many men are secure enough to have their girlfriends viewed as a sexual fantasy because it's their job and something they enjoy, etc. While there are definite logistical issues, overall it's just not that serious.
BUT, if you recall, there were multiple REAL relationships going on at the same time and that fact was being broadcast on the blog. Now THAT'S MUCH tougher on a relationship.
To Ryann's credit, she's been working hard to change the pattern (as she put it).
More power to you Ryann! I know that the going can be tough, but keep plugging away and it will work out!
At 10:42 AM,
Ryann said…
rld I think you give more credit to this blog that is accurate.
the "relationships" that I've mentioned here are only mentioned here. Granted there are probably a couple readers with crushes on me. So yes that might discourage people who read my blog from getting involved with me but that's a pretty small percentage of people.
maybe I'm wrong, maybe I have men that read this blog in the hopes that I'll tell the musician to fuck off and then they can finally hit on me knowing that inside information-- but damn I hope not. that would be so manipulative. Yet another example of creating a false friendship for the purpose of someday getting laid.
I tend to think deep thoughts is right. Most men can't handle dating a stripper-- or even the idea of dating a stripper. I'm not saying they're not out there but what I want in man... that's pretty specific, rare, and made rarer by my job.
If I'm isolated in a strip club I'm pretty sure I won't be meeting the man on my dreams in front row.
thanks girls, you might just have to believe for me for a while longer...
At 1:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
Ryan~~ FYI.. Pollyanna me can admit to but me is always gonna hang in there and beleive that one day you will meet the man who will be yer one and only stripper or not. And that dear girl is a fact. Just don't lose faith. ;)
At 5:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey Ryann,
I thought that based on what I had read, that you had two ongoing relationships (Alexander and the Musician) and that everyone involved was aware of that.
And I felt sorry for anyone in that situation trying to seriously make it work.
It also appeared that you were trying to correct that situation to make it work with the musician (which I applaud!).
If I misunderstood, then my apologies...
At 6:46 AM,
Tyler Ingram said…
How is Ikea like working at a stripclub? Gessh you don't have to deal with shitty drunk guys who can be vulgar and stupid. At Ikea during a night shift you deal with fellow employees and it wouldn't be nearly as bad. I used to do graveyard for Safeway and I can tell you it would definitely not be like working at a stripclub.
Ryann there is someone out there for you, definitely don't give up what you like to do just to find someone.
People were asking me how I could deal with a friend stripping on stage while guys oogled and payed her for VIP dances etc. I'm fine with it because a) it makes her good money b) she spent some of the money on me lol c) for some reason I was not jealous of the attention others were giving her d) I got to see her after hours and in between shows, not them. *shrug*
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