Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Haven't run yet...

Well my friends all like him. I hosted a fabulous Valentine’s party this weekend and kept Monkey willingly hostage for the weekend. He was happy to dress up and he was a great addition to the party which was a delightful mess of togas, grapes, lingerie, chocolate cocks, and giggles. It was wonderful and my friends enjoyed harassing me about being smitten. My Sister approves of Monkey and she was eager to tell him “you’re lucky I like you ‘cuz I could veto your ass so fast…”

But fuck am I ever scared.
I’m scared I’ll get attached and he won’t like me. I’m scared of being a backup or a rebound or anything but first choice. I’m scared to end up in another relationship based on sex. I’m scared of being defensive and I’m scared of being vulnerable, of being hurt, of everything really. The only thing I’m not scared of is being alone.

I know everything in my head is totally my own shit and really I should just stop thinking and enjoy it but it’s me and I’m petrified. I’ve been single for six years. Six years!! I have no idea how to do this. All I’m concentrating on is not running, not looking for the exits and not deliberately sabotaging it. I’m trying to just let things happen and relax… I’m doing okay.

My defenses and fears are not going to evaporate over night. I’d be concerned if they did. I’m trying my best to take this slowly and just let things happen. I just want to take the time to get to know each other and not over think it. I want to just relax and not worry about anything. I swear it was easier a decade ago.

I wish I didn’t get daily phone calls from friends complaining, bitching, and crying about how horrible their relationships are. I can’t keep listening to that negativity everyday. I need to have faith that people can actually be happy together and be honest with each other. I know it exists. I have tons of friends that are in amazing relationships—I just don’t hear about it because “yeah I’m happy” doesn’t require daily drama updates.

I like him. He’s incredibly sexy and we get along great. I’m comfortable talking to him and I really like his energy. I’m not worried about him getting in my way or holding me back. We’re both very independent and busy – just what I need. Retraining me is going to take some work but it could be fun.

I have to allow myself to be happy and just enjoy it. Hopefully if I ignore the nausea in time it’ll just go away. The sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day in the city. Life is good and I’m looking forward to spending more time with Monkey.

PS: If you’re in a happy wonderful relationship please tell me. I need the reminders.

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  • At 8:20 AM, Blogger Beatbabe said…

    I am :)
    And I was exactly where you are now when we started.
    We've been together two months and Im leaving for a year in Australia in April, suck I know because he is so perfect.
    I had to work really hard at just letting go and enjoying his company and not over thinking it and not be scared. I know exactly how you feel! And I am so glad that I made the effort to be chilled out and just let life be, because Ive had the opportunity to experience a wonderful guy and have some great times and I feel blessed.
    I hope it all works out for you, just let go, you only live once, if it fucks up, it fucks up, you cant control that and too often it fucks up cos we try to control it! :)
    big love

  • At 10:55 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    Hey Ry, I can honestly say that after more than a year, I am still extremely happy in my relationship. For once I am with someone who dislikes drama as much as I do. Our communication works, we laugh and play daily, and I can not wait to see him everyday. I have never had that before with anyone. I am sure you can have the same!

  • At 11:13 PM, Blogger Anna said…

    Happy here too :). Our relationship has changed over the years, and I am still happy and content after almost a decade together.

    Go with the flow, enjoy the wonderful experiences of a new relationship and how happy you are....you deserve it.

  • At 9:59 PM, Blogger dolly said…

    i'm in loooooooooooooovvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and scared shitless. something's in the water!

  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger Cheeks Filibuster said…

    The one most basic thing I think is the most important in a relationship is complete honesty about the big things, the things that matter. I think it's cultivated within yourself, and then you subconsciously seek out those who will respond to it without fear and with appreciation.

    I have it, and share it with my significant other who also isn't afraid of being honest. And he's damn intelligent, if I do say so myself. It's pretty awesome..

    You hit another thing on the head, Ryann, in my opinion: "I am not afraid of being alone." That is confidence. That says you can live with yourself when the chips are down.

    But I am glad you have someone to keep you warm at night ;}

    Great post.


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