Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Thursday, March 13, 2008


It’s so easy for me to forget that I have to write. It’s not like me to go a month without writing. It’s not good for me to go a month without writing but hopefully I’ll be back on track soon. I get caught up in real life, emails to answer, meetings to attend, piles of lists to sort through… it’s so easy to forget to write. I find myself wrapped in a bubble of stress as the world closes in around me but all I really have to do is write. It doesn’t even matter what. I just have to get all the little thoughts out of my head. So here I am.

I have flowers sitting on my desk from a couple of girlfriends, fiery red tulips and soft little daffodils. I love that it’s almost spring. I want to drop my winter coat off at the dry cleaner knowing that I won’t need it until next winter but it’s not quite warm enough yet… maybe a few more weeks.

I’ve been in an odd mood the past few days, unsettled. I’ve been swimming through mild stress but I think it’s the lack of predictability that’s not sitting well. Without dancing I don’t really know what I’ll be doing next week. I’m always busy and with Exotic Dancers for Cancer only a few weeks away my “To Do” list is never-ending but it’s not a schedule. I think I need something more. I need to feel like I’m doing something concrete.

I tried to work in Victoria a couple weeks ago—what a disaster. I made it through a day and a half before my body collapsed and I had to face the hard reality—I can’t dance. I’m still injured and I don’t know if my body will ever be in the condition to work full-time as a stripper again. It broke my heart all over again. I know I quit when Mugs closed but I told myself I was just taking a break. Part of me needs to believe that.

I’m not sure what this blog is going to turn into now that I’m not dancing. I’m still part of the industry but it’s different. I have Stiletto Storm and various other projects on the go but something doesn't fit. I suppose the direction of this blog will become apparent when my direction is more focused.

At some point in the past few weeks I realized that I like having someone in my life. I’ve always been okay alone and I’m terrified of allowing myself to need anyone. I’m not afraid of love. I’m afraid that I’ll wake up one day and I won’t be independent anymore. That’s what’s so comforting about Alexander. I’d always need to maintain my own life in order to survive him. Alexander has an incredible sixth sense for knowing when I’m leaving and he’s still very much around, emailing and texting, although I’ve been smart enough not to see him.

Things are good with Monkey. Hopefully sometime soon my insecurity about this relationship will fade and I’ll be able to relax not thinking that every time I see Monkey will be the last. It’s a leftover defense from my affair with the Musician. I was able to avoid getting too attached by never expecting there to be a next time. That doesn’t transfer so smoothly into... well anything.

I actually had a chance to catch up with the Musician this afternoon. It was nice to just be around him. He’s happy and we’re perfectly capable of sitting in the same room without ripping each other’s clothes off or even hinting at the idea. I love him and I’m really proud of him and I don’t want anything more. Somewhere along the way we became friends.

I’m in vertigo, a little unsettled, a little off balance but I’ll be okay. I guess I just have a few things to get used to. It’s not as comfy or as easy as I’d like. I’ll try to write more.

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