Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

random ramblings

well the break is over.. I'm back in Edmonton... having left the beautiful coast behind again. 8 weeks on the road... should be ... freakin cold!! no sign of snow yet, but I'm sure I'll see it soon enough.

... thoughts of the day...

What makes me so different from other women as a dancer?
A friend of mine asked me the other day in the bar.. "how do you do it? how do you get all these guys?"... it is a curious question, as I have often wondered why more women don't use their natural power. Is that what makes me different? Is that what makes me "the stripper"? understanding that game?

I think it's all in the ability to create a fantasy. I'm a tease. Talking to a man and knowing how to play it in order to be what he wants, to meet those specific needs... is that what makes me a dancer? but in playing that game so easily... it's easy to forget reality. they don't want me... they want the fantasy.

it's interesting... when I'm at work, wandering around a peeler bar most of the guys are really curious to get to know me, to talk. they want to know where I come from, where I'm going... and sure if I happen to want to sleep with them. but if I'm in a club with friends I automatically play the game. it's too easy. yes, I can walk into a bar and manipulate a situation to my immediate advantage and appear to have my choice of drunken guys. (joy!) but it's all an illusion, because not one of those guys sees me as anything more than a potencial lay. They might buy me a drink and hit on me, but not one of them would consider picking up the phone the next day...
the guy I meet in the strip club is more likely to want to know me, that the guy I meet at the dance club.... how the expectations and goals change. hmmm reasons I don't like to be in a bar outside of "work"

It's easy to mistake sexual power for real attraction.
eventually I'll want something real... eventually I'll have to learn to be something real... maybe that's what makes me different. Of course this is a means to an end... yes, I'm on a path and I have a future beyond dancing. But, I'm still "the stripper". A DJ friend of mine told me the other day... "you're a nerd, and one of the weirdest strippers I've met. you might not be crazy, but something happened in your life to make you able to do what you do. something made you numb"

True. ... and when I figure out how to get rid of that numbness... maybe I'll find something real.
but what about real attraction? what about the powerful forces between two people that bring you together in spite of circumstances or reality. Is that real? it might not be love, but it's powerful. it's a segmented and limited interaction... but maybe the secrets are more "real" than the sweet nothings of comfort. but maybe it's just an escape... maybe it just allows us to express something in ourselves that otherwise must remain hidden. maybe...

...maybe none of it is real... maybe it's all real.


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