Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Friday, November 18, 2005


It's friday. TGIF in every way possible.
I'm sitting in my car stealing wireless from some unsuspecting source.

the sky is blue and it's warmer today. I'm still wearing a touque because it's only early afternoon and I haven't done my hair yet. An older woman just came up to my car to borrow my cell phone. I'm lacking in faith and patience for humanity today, so I lied. "No, sorry I don't have a phone on me." she just wanted a cab, I figured she could ask the bar she just came out of.

as 'shuffle' would have it, one of my favourite songs just started playing ...

I love, I say things seem clearer on the sea-to-sky-highway
It's warm, it's not, but that changes day-to-day
Time is slowly rearranging my face
And my eyes are growing lines
My honesty is in hiding
It’s the evacuation of everything good in my mind
I’m without and I lack it But things are perfect, things are fantastic
It's an error, it's not It’s a catalogue of errors one by one, shot by shot
Time is slowly dragging down the me
My eyes are rolling back, I can’t see
The honesty’s heading south in a vee
The whispering has stopped probably till next spring.


an older guy sat in the bar for 3 hours last night waiting to talk to me, trying to catch a glimpse of who I am in the hopes that his fantasy could be real. I regretfully did not live up to the offer. he spoke of money and beauty and all the things he wanted to buy me. he told me I was beautiful, and special, and unlike anyone he'd ever met. sadly, I'm have little doubt he'll tell the same things to the next dancer.

my plumber friends sat with me and talked about nothing until it was dinner time. I'm going to miss them today. they were kind, funny, and genuine.. and guarenteed to there everyday. but today they went to Edmonton. yet another random encounter with passing strangers... never to be seen again.

a young guy was respectful and curious, and wanted a private dance for him and his friend at their hotel. I was respectful and honest... I don't do 'favours', I dance. and without a personal bouncer that I trust, I don't do private shows at all... and there is no one in this town that I trust. he was understanding and kind... and he left.

a young kid was drinking with his friends. he wanted a magnet. In his enthusiasm he threw loonies too hard. I was tired, and grumpy, and not feeling very personable. I told him nicely to be careful. I'm delicate. he laughed and threw them harder. It's been a long week and I'm emotionally raw. I wanted to cry. I yelled at him that I'm human and told him where he could shove it. I refused to give him a magnet.

I like it when the sun shines. It makes for a more enjoyable people watching environment. I will likely not return to this town, but every bar and every town has its character. My faith in humanity is precarious these days. I may be very effective at maintaining a wall of ice around me... yet it surprizes me when someone tries to intentionally dehumanize me.

I'm looking forward to the journey home and the slow rebuilding of my faith. I'm looking forward to Christmas. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I am loved and missed. That I am real and valued as a friend, and as a person... not as a stripper.

Thank you friends.


  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger Gary Freedman said…

    Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I am read. That I am real and valued as a blogger, and as a person...

  • At 3:48 PM, Anonymous fashionista said…

    You are not only loved and missed...you are smart (wicked smart, by the way), curious, kind, thoughtful, sincere, authentic, witty, and so not alone on your journey! (Eventhough you might feel that you are)

  • At 12:49 AM, Anonymous tnt_rori said…

    Hi Ryann, I hope the comming weeks pick up for you soon, and perhaps I'll see you when you again when you get back to Calgary.

  • At 10:50 PM, Blogger Celena said…

    your writing is getting better.. your grammar sucks though :P, but your entries are much better these days.. Just thought I'd let you know. It's a compliment, just slightly peppered with an insult.. but don't take the insult part too seriously, 'cause uh.. who cares about grammar anyway, except for that lady in Lemmony Snickets or whatever... blah .. blah.. blah...

  • At 11:02 PM, Blogger Ryann said…

    grammar bores me. that's what editors are for. so there celena!! (but thanks)


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