Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

.not this time.

I'm thinking about "friendship" that has disappeared.
Not disappeared as in alien abduction.. but vanished from my day-to-day reality. vanished as a result of life, of choices, of emotions and expectations that were never spoken.

...and contemplating whether it's a positive or negative thing. I wonder... do you think of me? do you miss me? do you wonder if I miss you?

“Is she still dancing?” Why? Would you call me if I wasn’t? Does it really matter? Would you love me and cherish me and protect me if I wasn’t ‘the stripper’? Does it really bother you that much? A temporary occupation that you said you encouraged. Did you lie? or did you judge me? or did I ask you to handle too much?

Or have I changed? Is it me? I’ve lost three people since I started dancing. All three who were supportive and encouraging of me starting. I can’t help but think my job has impacted these relationships. Of course these are relationships leftover from high school... and perhaps we all outgrow friendships. But it still hurts. I miss my memories.

I'm sure I've changed. but I can't isolate how, and I'm not sure if it's just a natural process of growing as an individual.

I’m lonely. I’m resentful of these friends that have walked away. I feel judged and discarded. And perhaps a lot of that comes from being a product, an image… but I feel like a disposable human being.

I’m not suffering or lacking in friends. I have amazing friends, that love me, that care. I feel alone at times when I'm so far away from my family and friends but my phone bill suggests I keep in close touch, and I do. it's almost time to begin the journey home. just a few more weeks and I'll see the ocean again.

No more bullshit. No more games. No more manipulations. No more unspoken expectations. I miss someone. I do. I miss my old friends, and I miss someone. But I'm real. Real feelings, real disappointments, real desires, real dreams.

I'm done faking it.

Sometimes there's nothing I would rather do than make the effort to reopen that door... but I won't. I want more. I want more for myself than what I lost. I can't open myself to that hurt again. I can't be the one to make the first move. Not this time.

...not this time...

1 Comments:

  • At 4:05 PM, Blogger Sin said…

    I like you have a relationship suffering because of work as a stripper, but my relationship is a romantic one, and he like your friends was supportive, he actually encouraged me to start dancing and then blamed his cheating on the fact that I dance for other men. He never expressed to me that he had an issue with it, and certainly didn't complain when I was the one paying all the bills. He knew what it was all about, so it shouldn't have bothered him and if it did he should of let me know before he cheated. He's just using me stripping as an excuse for him to do whatever he wants, and it seems that people who fall away from you without good reason, just want to find fault in you to feel better about themselves. He even told me it wasn't a good excuse, because he knows that he still encourages me to dance because of the good money. It is just his reason, and he admits it's not a good one.

     

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