a year ago...
It's a beautiful day. The sun is low in the sky, and the breeze is cool. Daylight is beginning to linger longer. My eyes are heavy. I have had far too little sleep these past few days, certainly no regrets on that choice. I will sleep tonight.
The boys asked me last night if I ever got sick of listening to boys with guitars sing songs drunkenly… Nope. Especially not when they actually can sing and play.
It was a lovely evening. I lay on the floor staring up at the ceiling enjoying the jubilant harmony. I stared out at the lights of the big city and watched random people make their way along the abandoned streets. I laughed at the drunken compliments and suggestions, far more enjoyable when I’m the sober one.
It was a good night.
I’m still stuck in the moment I left behind. I know sometimes he thinks of me as “his stripper”… and I know I am isolated from reality in that role. I know the friendship is secluded and most often superficial. Distance is both a welcome escape and an uncertainty.
A year ago my world collapsed. A year ago today I received a phone call that would cause me to collapse in tears at work and ignore all normal sensibilities. Limbo began 365 days ago. It was the beginning of who I have become. It was the moment that everything changed. It was the easy decision to move home. It was the most natural and most painful time of my life. It was also the day I met Whiskey.
It’s just another day… yet it marks a passage of time, and an opportunity for reflection. My dear friend held on and fought for every breath until March when no more would come, but it was a cold day on a mountain in January that the dreaded call came. I remember working. Serving beer, and running food. I remember looking at call display and my heart sinking. I knew… I remember the tears choking me as the bartender yelled at me to get back to work. I remember hiding in a corner ignoring everyone trying to get the details. Where was he? What happened? Was he dead? Was he going to die before I got there? Would he know me? How much pain was he in? How could I be so far away and need to be home so badly. How could I tell him I loved him? That I always loved him. I remember the earth falling out from beneath me… and then it all gets fuzzy.
I went back to work. I remember Whiskey. I remember our eyes meeting. I remember a very scattered conversation as I closed up the dining room. I remember finding unexpected comfort from the freefall for an instant.
As I think back to a year ago I am amazed by how much I have grown. It seems so long ago… so young. Everything has changed. I am not the same person I was a year ago. Who I am today is a result of that freefall. The choices I made, the path I followed. From the determined drive through the downpour, numb, as the roads closed behind me… to the days spent sitting beside him thankful for the moment, yet always wondering how long it could last.
Who I am today… sister… daughter… nerd… stripper… lover… fantasy… friend.
Today I am a woman complex with hopes and dreams, determination and scars… with real emotions and defenses. My eyes reveal my experience. I have known unconditional love, and I have felt my heart shatter. I have internalized disappointments and expectations. I have reevaluated and rebuilt. I am so thankful for this past year. I am so thankful for the moments that have stayed with me and helped shape me. I am so thankful to have made the choice to dance.
The boys asked me last night if I ever got sick of listening to boys with guitars sing songs drunkenly… Nope. Especially not when they actually can sing and play.
It was a lovely evening. I lay on the floor staring up at the ceiling enjoying the jubilant harmony. I stared out at the lights of the big city and watched random people make their way along the abandoned streets. I laughed at the drunken compliments and suggestions, far more enjoyable when I’m the sober one.
It was a good night.
I’m still stuck in the moment I left behind. I know sometimes he thinks of me as “his stripper”… and I know I am isolated from reality in that role. I know the friendship is secluded and most often superficial. Distance is both a welcome escape and an uncertainty.
A year ago my world collapsed. A year ago today I received a phone call that would cause me to collapse in tears at work and ignore all normal sensibilities. Limbo began 365 days ago. It was the beginning of who I have become. It was the moment that everything changed. It was the easy decision to move home. It was the most natural and most painful time of my life. It was also the day I met Whiskey.
It’s just another day… yet it marks a passage of time, and an opportunity for reflection. My dear friend held on and fought for every breath until March when no more would come, but it was a cold day on a mountain in January that the dreaded call came. I remember working. Serving beer, and running food. I remember looking at call display and my heart sinking. I knew… I remember the tears choking me as the bartender yelled at me to get back to work. I remember hiding in a corner ignoring everyone trying to get the details. Where was he? What happened? Was he dead? Was he going to die before I got there? Would he know me? How much pain was he in? How could I be so far away and need to be home so badly. How could I tell him I loved him? That I always loved him. I remember the earth falling out from beneath me… and then it all gets fuzzy.
I went back to work. I remember Whiskey. I remember our eyes meeting. I remember a very scattered conversation as I closed up the dining room. I remember finding unexpected comfort from the freefall for an instant.
As I think back to a year ago I am amazed by how much I have grown. It seems so long ago… so young. Everything has changed. I am not the same person I was a year ago. Who I am today is a result of that freefall. The choices I made, the path I followed. From the determined drive through the downpour, numb, as the roads closed behind me… to the days spent sitting beside him thankful for the moment, yet always wondering how long it could last.
Who I am today… sister… daughter… nerd… stripper… lover… fantasy… friend.
Today I am a woman complex with hopes and dreams, determination and scars… with real emotions and defenses. My eyes reveal my experience. I have known unconditional love, and I have felt my heart shatter. I have internalized disappointments and expectations. I have reevaluated and rebuilt. I am so thankful for this past year. I am so thankful for the moments that have stayed with me and helped shape me. I am so thankful to have made the choice to dance.
posted by Ryann @ 16:04
3 Comments:
At 2:10 PM,
Blush said…
yes. i have one of these anniversaries coming up on the first. the freefall. keep your head up girl
At 9:06 PM,
Chickie said…
It's amazing how much one can change in a year.
At 11:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
It IS amazing how much can change in a year. We will have a similar anniversary next year. But it will be the first. I don't really know how similar actually, but I know that it includes the pain of losing someone fundemental to my, and friends's futures. I won't get all mushy here, and spill out all my feelings, but know that I feel a bit of your pain, and am sending well wishes.
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