Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Crack in the facade...

The rain is endless. Tears from the heavens replace the ones that I cannot release.

I saw Whiskey yesterday. It was beautiful, it was painful. How do I feel? I feel like I am caught in the rapids and I can’t reach the shore. I feel like jumping off a cliff just to feel something. It’s been a year since him and I met. So much has changed in this year. I have changed, as has he. Yet the dynamics are so similar. I’m much happier these days. I feel like I know who I am, fantasy and reality. Though they often overlap, I feel I understand myself better.

He is beautiful in so many ways, and I am drawn to him. I’m disappointed in myself for caring. I wish I could maintain the illusion more effectively. Martinis are not helpful, especially when I hardly ever drink. I wish my eyes weren’t so transparent (if you look).

To be open to intimacy is to be open to passion, positive and negative.

I want to run. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just be. I want the moment to stay. I want the loneliness to go away. I want, for a moment, to be real.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m not in a position to have expectations, and I doubt I’m willing to make the choices and sacrifices. I’m very much looking forward to spending time with the Brat this weekend, and I love the tension in meeting new people. I don't know that I save myself from any hurt, but I know my priorities. I leave in a week for the north and the dread is sinking in. We’ve been down that road, we’ve had that discussion… but I am human, and feelings do exist. I won’t see him again until March. I won’t see anyone again until March. I know my choices. I accept the path I create. I’m taking baby steps toward continuing my education, and I feel confident and positive about my direction. Though still vague, I sense that as I grow the journey will appear before me… I just have to stay in the right direction, and true to myself. I know the sacrifices.

It’s a temporary crack in the façade. My strength will return in a matter of hours, and in one deep breath I will be able to close my eyes and release the vulnerability. I will rebuild the defensive mirage and go to work.

I will continue on my way, briefly reminded of my humanity and vulnerability.


  • At 4:33 PM, Blogger Ginger said…

    This is for YOU, my friend.


  • At 7:32 PM, Blogger deepthoughts said…

    You have beautiful eyes, transparent or opaque.

    And you know what they say... Love like you've never been hurt.

    Although sometimes I wonder at the wisdom of that one. I've done it a few times and sometimes it was like trying to swim in mud.

    Maybe you should let your clear eyes focus on your future, and if love comes let it hold your hand but not distract your focus.


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