Crack in the facade...

The rain is endless. Tears from the heavens replace the ones that I cannot release.



I saw Whiskey yesterday. It was beautiful, it was painful. How do I feel? I feel like I am caught in the rapids and I can’t reach the shore. I feel like jumping off a cliff just to feel something. It’s been a year since him and I met. So much has changed in this year. I have changed, as has he. Yet the dynamics are so similar. I’m much happier these days. I feel like I know who I am, fantasy and reality. Though they often overlap, I feel I understand myself better.

He is beautiful in so many ways, and I am drawn to him. I’m disappointed in myself for caring. I wish I could maintain the illusion more effectively. Martinis are not helpful, especially when I hardly ever drink. I wish my eyes weren’t so transparent (if you look).

To be open to intimacy is to be open to passion, positive and negative.

I want to run. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just be. I want the moment to stay. I want the loneliness to go away. I want, for a moment, to be real.

I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m not in a position to have expectations, and I doubt I’m willing to make the choices and sacrifices. I’m very much looking forward to spending time with the Brat this weekend, and I love the tension in meeting new people. I don't know that I save myself from any hurt, but I know my priorities. I leave in a week for the north and the dread is sinking in. We’ve been down that road, we’ve had that discussion… but I am human, and feelings do exist. I won’t see him again until March. I won’t see anyone again until March. I know my choices. I accept the path I create. I’m taking baby steps toward continuing my education, and I feel confident and positive about my direction. Though still vague, I sense that as I grow the journey will appear before me… I just have to stay in the right direction, and true to myself. I know the sacrifices.

It’s a temporary crack in the façade. My strength will return in a matter of hours, and in one deep breath I will be able to close my eyes and release the vulnerability. I will rebuild the defensive mirage and go to work.

I will continue on my way, briefly reminded of my humanity and vulnerability.