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Weirdoes of the day:

Number one: Greasy ringlets layer the aging mullet. His oversized shirt sleeves drag in the splashes of beer in front of him. He leans back in his chair and motions for me to come closer. “I have an amazing tongue” he winks. I cringe. “You’ll regret it forever that you didn’t take me up on my offer” he continues as I shake my head and walk away. “You’ll never get anything like it…”

Oh I can feel the remorse already.

Number two: He’s drunk, young, desperate, and socially inept. In his inebriation his confidence is soaring. The poor idiot obviously believes himself to attractive. He has carefully selected a wrinkled blue dress shirt for the occasion. “Hey baby, know what I would do…” he slurs as I stand above him. The stage is lined with horizontal brass poles. They exist as a tarnished reminder of the barrier. I kneel in front of him mildly amused as he leans over and LICKS the pole.

Eeewwwwwwwww!!! I stare at him in horror. My mind wanders to a high school biology lab where we tested the bacterial cultures present on various surfaces of the school. I look intently at the slimy finger prints covering the surface and imagine what he has just ingested in his quest to be sexy. Stale beer, bacteria… I can only imagine where the hands that have touched that bar have been…

The things some people will put in their mouths…

I walk away, disgusted, as he shouts. I’ve hurt his ego. It helps to mention how often he gets laid, and to yell repugnant comments. I tell him to try his left hand if he gets lonely. But this is a small town, and someone might actually do him. I just hope no one kisses him before he gargles with Listerine.