Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

I try because I hope...

I suppose I can’t really explain it. The more I try the more frustrated and upset I get. I do try. I really really try… and it hurts that people are so quick to judge and decide. It hurts that misguided intentions are so incapable of respect.

They worry about me. They think I’m missing something. They think my choices are damaging… the logic is false, because it fails to take into consideration ME. The observations are based on preconceived expectations and assumptions. It feels like the typical argument in the bar, I’ll sign you up for the “Save a Stripper” mailing list, how’s that? It feels like I am irrelevant, and my reasons are wrong.

I KNOW it takes years to understand me, to know me. I KNOW people are incapable of actually appreciating who I am. But it’s so exhausting constantly being labeled and categorized. The context in which people meet me decides the expectations. But no matter what I say or do, no matter how hard I try to explain they will never see me as anything more than what they want. Some will see me as the stripper, others as a student, an artist, a friend, a teacher, a fantasy, an object, a sister… I AM. I am all I encompass. No more, no less. Nothing negates the authenticity of the other faces of the diamond. Nothing is imitation or false, but much of it is hidden.

I know I’m being cryptic. I know I struggle to make sense, but I do try… as futile as it might be… I still hope.

We went into a peeler bar last night, and I freaked. I did want to see it. I wanted to check it out, but I didn’t think to communicate my feelings before we went. I wanted to go in for a bit. Obviously to other people that means, sit, drink, and party in the club. In my mind (which I didn’t express) I think I wanted to check it out, get a feel for the club, maybe watch a dance or two, and get the hell out. I can’t sit in strip clubs without being “the stripper”. I didn’t want to be the stripper. I didn’t want that life to tarnish this experience. Torn between urges to dance and feeling unprepared and exposed I just wanted to leave.

I’m stupid; I don’t know how to articulate the dichotomy of stripper/ real life. I don’t know how to explain that yes, I like my job; No, I can’t hang out in a club.

It was perceived that my inability to be in the club last night was obviously indicative of how damaging and BAD stripping was. I was attacked with violent assumptions. I should be doing so much more, I’m worth more than taking off my clothes, I don’t have to prove myself, I shouldn’t be stripping. I shouldn’t be exposing myself. FUCK YOU!! It hurt. It hurt because he doesn’t know who I am. He doesn’t understand, and he’s known me for a WEEK. I know I give the impression of being open. I know my perceived open communication is misleading for those that fail to realize how much more is below the surface. It takes years to understand me. He disrespected me in failing to accept my boundaries. He hurt me in assuming that I don’t know what I’m doing. He judged my choices, and judged my worth. He refused to leave me alone. STOP FUCKING FOLLOWING ME!! All I wanted was to be alone. All I wanted was to remove myself from the attacks.

I hate that. If I’m a fragile weak woman needing of protection, then I should NEVER be on the streets alone. If I need a man to protect me, then I should not be in Europe. If I am at risk of being attacked on these streets, then I shouldn’t be allowed to be alone in hotel rooms above peeler bars. I shouldn’t travel. I shouldn’t walk. I shouldn’t work. The logic that I need someone to follow me and protect me when I’m angry is bullshit. It’s selfish, blind, and has nothing to do with me.

There are situations in which I am defensive and protective. Strip clubs do illicit a level of awareness and isolation from me. In the club, no one can touch me. Is that telling of an overall negativity? I don’t know. Yes, I’ve been very cuddly and open this week. Does walking into a peeler bar negate that? I don’t know. I do know it’s not a reaction isolated to the industry. I have the same reaction in some hospitals, and in some houses. I have sheltered myself when faced with certain people, accident sites… Any situation which strikes an intense emotional chord (positive or negative) is likely to result in a defensive reaction.

Yes, I am searching. Yes, I am in transition. I have come so far, and I’m still changing, still searching, and still growing. It’s a natural process, not an easy process. I will be upset. I will have passionate intense emotions along the journey.

My real argument is this: My family doesn’t worry about me. They understand, respect and care about me. My closest friends accept and understand my choices. They keep an eye on me, and they are aware if anything is wrong. If those who love, respect, cherish and know me better than anyone, are not worried about me… there is nothing to worry about. Worry imposed on assumptions and a lack of time, friendship, and understanding is simply disrespectful and selfish.

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  • At 1:12 PM, Blogger Ginger said…

    You so need to email me another update...is that guy who I think it is? He's known you longer than that...ya, but NOT really.
    Love YOU!

  • At 4:23 PM, Blogger Gadzilla said…

    I just you to know I was listening. You really seem to have a good grasp on your emotions and your environment. If the man was more observant he would have been able to see that and not made an ass of himself like that. I do wish you a safe journey. If you think of it and have time, take some photos for me. I don't know if I will make it to europe anytime soon. :)

  • At 5:23 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    I recently had a friend share some information that she believed would adversely affect our relationship. It hurt me that she did not trust me enough to tell the truth, because no matter what she does in her life, as long as she is happy, I am happy for her. I worry about my friends sometimes, not because of what they do, only if they seem unhappy. It really is too bad when someone who was supposed to be a friend imposes their own restrictions on your life. Human nature? Hope not....

  • At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Gölök (B.J.) Buday said…

    "My closest friends accept and understand my choices. They keep an eye on me, and they are aware if anything is wrong. If those who love, respect, cherish and know me better than anyone, are not worried about me… there is nothing to worry about"

    You mention changing, in a sense self actualizing, therefore you worry about you, therefore their must be something to be worry about. You wrote yourself a sort of (Abraham) Maslow Paradox.

    I would agree no matter what (perhaps it's a case of misarticulation) that there is never any point in panic, reasonable caution and aguard up is just perfect, well a penultimate version of perfect.


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