Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

like a vampire

I want to be more than I am alone. I crave to be purified by degradation. FUCK!! I have so much power! Harness me! Direct me. It oozes from my eyes and penetrates everything I touch. I feel it building. I feel the vibrancy culminating deep in my core. GROWL!! Like a Vampire. Lustful.

I don’t want sex, it’s too easy. I want life. I want to eat it, taste it, and suck the blood from the very essence of this life. I want to touch it, let it flow through my fingers and over my body. The music matches my pulse. I am lustful, demanding, seductive and manipulative. I will steal it, revel in it. Fulfilling a brief hunger, but it grows…

My silence is misleading. My smile is a deception of purity. A chalice waiting to be filled I throw myself into the moment. Own me. Worship me. Crave me. It’s an illusion of what I desire. I use these men. In a moment I can be what they want. I am a fantasy and muse. I am desired and despised. I take their energy, feeding on the lust. I use them. I want to be their object. I fantasize about submission. I hate them for being so weak. I love them for the mutual objectification.

Abandon ego, expectations, and demands. I become more. Purified by objectification, I am free from societal expectations. I don’t need to be strong, independent, or professional. I am Woman.

Through dancing I vanquish my fears, insecurities and weaknesses. I am free. I dance with abandon, passionate and primal, open to the energies that surge through the room. I’m searching for the truth. I’m searching for the strength to hold me.

...Use me, I’m beautiful. Take me. I’m yours. Hurt me. It feels like medicine, all I deserve...

I am infatuated with a dear friend of mine. I’ve decided to call him Merrick. I don’t know what path we are meant to walk. I don’t know if he and I will ever be together, but it doesn’t matter. All I want is what he offers. I love it for what it is, today in this moment. But I do fantasize about him. He is so powerful and charismatic, intoxicating. I could see it. I don't know who I will be with, but I could see him as my home. I want to release myself from my defenses and truly allow myself to fall in love.

My heart is ready to love. I am vulnerable, open. Quietly I wait for my Man. I wait for the One who will take me. It may be years… I wonder who it will be.

...But with you it’s understood. You make me feel strong. Your arms look so powerful when they hold me down...

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