It's a challenge

I’m an overachiever. I have a blind sense of arrogance that I rely on to get me through the challenges I accept, only to be left thinking “What the FUCK have I gotten myself into now!?!” I’m there. I’ve done it again. I’m in over my head again. I did the same with chemistry, and physics… why should stripping be any different? I want to experience what this industry has to offer me, and I need to do it on a time line. I doubt I’ll dance for a decade, but I’m watching the industry in Western Canada crumble. I know if I want to maintain my freedom, income, and enjoyment of my job I have to ensure my name is established. FAST!! It's business, so I’m heading east. I’m entering Ms Nude Canada and the qualifying contests leading up to it… I’m fucking terrified.

I’m not a blonde bombshell that can perform incredible feats of contortionism. I’m not a gymnast, nor am I a body-builder. I’m 5’1” little brunette with nice natural tits and the girl next door appeal. I’m not strong, and I don't defy gravity. I’m just a little nerd, with lofty goals. I’m just another stripper. AHHHHHHH!!! I’m fucking terrified. What if I make a total fool of myself? What if I’m not good enough? What if I really CAN’T pull it off??

Wheee... obviously I'm in a delightful cycle of self-doubt. I know it's temporary, and it's just part of the process of learning with me.

1-2-3-4, step, pivot, back, step… 1-2-3-4… swivel, step, kick, slide… 1-2-3-4. Right hand grab, spin, step off, step 1-2-3-4. Slide, flip, crawl, arch…

Maybe it’s not organic chemistry, but it’s an art. I’m spending all day everyday working on my show, trying to pull together something amazing, graceful, and sexy. I’m taking on a lot in the coming months, and it’s not easy. This week is long hours and a lot of trial and error. There’s only so much you can see yourself doing, especially on stage while performing. (Note: Do NOT spend the show staring at your self in the mirrors. It looks stupid.) I’m so thankful to have a dear friend and retired dancer helping me out this week. Constructive criticism please, it’s the only way to improve. When I was 17 in art school it was a hard thing to learn, but learn I did. It was hard to put a drawing in front of 25 peers and hear the good, the bad, and the ugly. Learning to give and take a critique and survive to show up the following week with something new was the first thing I learned in university.

I’ve been told I don’t take criticism well, but I think I disagree. I don’t take negative bullshit well, especially from unqualified sources. I don’t want to listen to that sort of crap, so no I don’t respond well to some guy in the bar telling how I ought to live my life, or what I should do in school. I’m also not encouraging to Photoshop nerd telling me about studio lighting. I’m incredibly impatient with the arrogant asshole who thinks his penis is justification for seniority, has held a first aid ticket for a month, and is trying to tell me how to deal with a penetrating pneumothorax.

But as for the task at hand, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. It’s a learning curve and like anything else I’ve ever done I rely on my blind arrogance to get me far enough in, while my actual skills catch up. It works for me. Teacher! Teacher! Thank god she’s so patient with me. It’s a challenge. I’m just an overly ambitious little nerd, who happens to look decent naked.

It’s a funny balance in life of when certain qualities are an advantage or a disadvantage. For instance, my tendency to be overly analytical and technical is NOT helping me be sexy and fluid. I might be smart business wise, but as for the stripper illusion, intelligence is not an asset. I have to stop thinking, shut up and just dance.

It’ll come together.