Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

I Am

I want to cry but I my emotions are too intense for tears. My expression masks the rumblings and turmoil below the surface. My mind is racing, my heart is reeling.

I’m on the verge of completing the Grief Recovery Handbook. I’m trying to finish the last chapter and the last task. It’s taken me a year to get through this process. A year… and I’m almost there. I need to complete these relationships. Can I let go? Can I forgive, and release my ties to those emotions. Can I allow myself to move beyond the pain, disappointment, expectations and unrealized potentials? Can I let go? Am I ready? I don’t know.

The glaring realization that every man I have loved has chosen someone else is cutting deep today. I knew it in my mind, on some level. But to write it out, to put names down in ink… to know that my fear of being discarded is very real and very solidly formed in experience. I know my hope never really fades, I know my heart never truly died. Even in my most desperately numb and damaged months- I still loved. I still cared and I still hoped. And they still left. I don’t want to be victimized about this, but I do want to realize honestly where my fear is founded. I want to change the pattern, and to do so I need to realize why. I need to own my actions and my part in every moment. I need to forgive them. I need to change it. I’m so deeply frightened of forever being the backup, the interlude, the mistress, the affair or the distraction. I’m so scared of being thrown away.

I’m feeling very raw emotionally, exposed. My heart is overwhelmed with the abundance of emotions. I’m reliving experiences, reconciling losses, exploring hopes, fears and ideas. I’m in love with the very essence of this life. Mind, Body, and Soul- I’m in love. My time in Yellowknife has been powerful. I have spent two weeks isolated with no one to answer to but myself. Two weeks of honest, raw searching. It has been empowering, and exhausting. I’m tender and real. There is nothing numb left. I care. I’m on the verge of tears at the thought of leaving behind newly solidified friendship. I’m bursting with anticipation of going home and seeing my friends again.

My entire life is hugs and good-byes, moments of laughter and love, leaving behind friendship to go home to love. Leaving home to explore the unknown, to taste this life and grasp opportunity. I am simultaneously torn between homesick and impatient. I want to jump off the cliff. I want to curl up in a ball and cry my heart out. I want to cling to the moment, prolong the encounter and I want to run home.

I finished the book. I’ve completed the task at hand. The completion letters have been written. The words have been said. “I’m sorry.” “I forgive.” “Good-bye.”

So far from numb, every smile is triggering compassion and appreciation. I am alive with conviction, purpose, and love. I will defend and fight with passion. I am immersed in Love, Truth, and Joy. I am confident with Who I Am, and Who I Am Becoming. I live. I feel. I love. I cry. My eyes are on fire. My soul is exposed. Ardent, enthusiastic, and animated, I am so Fucking Alive I think I might explode.

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