Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Friday, March 14, 2008


I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know why I never noticed, but I didn’t. It hit me this afternoon like spring. I feel like I woke up and all the colours had changed. I don’t know when the Musician became one of my most significant relationships but I know that I’ll forever look back on those years as having changed my life and he was a part of it. We shared something… I may never find the words to do it justice. I still don’t know what it was.

Whatever our relationship was it worked out perfectly. I couldn’t wish for anything to be different. It’s far better than I ever could have hoped for and it’s beautiful. I feel like I was part of something amazing and I forgot to appreciate it. Looking back I can see how special it was but somehow I never realized how influential that relationship would become.

The Musician and I were never meant to be together but in that isolated affair we created a universe of acceptance, forgiveness, and passion united in secret. With him I was able to hide, recreate, heal, release, and be honest. It was real.

I’ve had the time and space to heal and detach from our affair. I’m remembering how much I enjoy his company. It’s no longer sexual. I’m no longer jealous. But it was special and I’m finding myself wanting him in my life again. I want to experience and appreciate the friendship that’s been there all along.

He was there for me when Trevor died. He was there when I collapsed. He was there when I ran away and he was there when I came home. He was there when I started stripping. He never left me when I was on tour. He never replaced me while I was gone. He looked forward to seeing me. He made me feel like a goddess. He was there when I needed to not think. He was there when I needed to be special. He was there when I needed the escape and he was there when it got real.

Musician, thank you for creating a safe environment for me to heal. Thank you for every silly and precious memory. I love you. I’ve loved you for years.

With every corner of my heart I wish him happiness. I want him to be with the woman he needs and the idea of him having found someone to really love him for who he actually is, pulls tears towards the surface. I’m more than happy for him. I’m proud of him.

I’m actually accepting that I’m heading in a new direction. My feelings for the Musician have faded into a cherished memory and I’m open to a future and a real relationship. I’m going to let it happen, see where it goes, and not be defensive. It’s good. I’m good. I’m really taking a new path. I’m really open to it. I’m really living it. I don’t want to take it for granted.

I’m ready now. I’m already walking the path but now I’m ready to stop looking back. I never could have predicted that the Musician would be such a valuable addition to my soul.



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