Goodbye old friend

I may write a more positive post later... but at this moment my heart feels like a lead brick.

The sun is sparkling and it's impossible to tell what season it is. The world seems to be content today. It's one month til Christmas and I'm feeling mildly festive. I want to bake cookies and decorate gingerbread.

Instead I have spent the afternoon staring at my computer screen trying to find a voice for my gut, trying to put to words one of those conversations you have with the ceiling. I wonder if it's because I'm a stripper. I have no example to use as proof, but a nagging feeling in my gut that my job is very much a contributing factor. I don't know how dancing has changed me, only that it does.

So I stare at the ceiling, and then at the bubbles in the fish tank. I've always wanted a bubble wall. bubbles make me happy. Like rainbows, they are perfect and pure. But back to the task at hand...

How do you walk away from old friends leftover from highschool? The old friend you shared so many stories with... first kiss (and other stuff), first boyfriends, first broken hearts. How do you cherish the memories, but realize the faults and let that innocence die. How do you decide, "I can't do it anymore"?. How do you seperate comfort and history, and come to accept that the past does not guarentee a future... that memories do not make up for hurt. How do you decide to close the chapter? I'm fragile. I've been slowly working up the courage to send an email... to voice my heart... to somehow end the limbo and the unease... and walk away. I did. sent. (now I might cry)

Dear friend,

I give up. I don’t know what else to do.

I’m really hurt that you didn’t contact me after that night in Edmonton. I felt really disrespected and dismissed. I felt that you had no desire to understand my perspective, or respect my priorities. I was hurt that you didn’t invite me shopping or include me in the weekend. I felt like I was an excuse to party, rather than a person to be included and considered. I felt really uncomfortable hanging out in the bar. It’s my job, not my entertainment.

Possibly our expectations of friendship are on totally different planes now. Maybe they always were. I had hoped that you would make an effort to contact me, but I know that it’s not fair to expect people to behave as you wish. To me, friendship is as important as any relationship and requires time and effort. Maybe I’m missing something, but being single my friends are my life.

Maybe I’ve become “the Stripper” in the eyes of people who once knew me. Maybe I’m incapable of explaining my life, or what it’s like. Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe we have nothing left to share. Maybe I’m unable to understand or appreciate your situation or choices. I'm truly sorry if I've hurt or disappointed you in any way. I’m not trying to be anything other than myself. I’m not trying to hurt or mislead anyone. I’m not trying to do anything but rebuild my life, maintain true friendships, and grow as a person.

I can’t chase you anymore. I need to clear this from my head before I develop any more bitterness. I’m disappointed. I don’t feel that you value our friendship, or are willing to make any effort to repair it. I’m not willing to carry it anymore, or forgive transgressions that have not been addressed or resolved. It hurts my heart.

I didn’t want to call you last weekend, I’m still feeling very fragile. But, I put that aside and tried to make one more attempt. That you didn’t return any of my calls, or meet me half-way leads me to conclude that your priorities do not include our friendship. I made more than one attempt, and as painful as it is for me, I can’t make any more. I don’t want to build up any additional anger or resentment. For me, I have to walk away with as few hard feelings and regrets as possible. Goodbye old friend. I wish you enough.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright, enough rain so you can appreciate light. I wish you enough music to raise your spirits, enough silence so you can hear it. I wish you enough happiness to make you glow, enough pain to make you grow. I wish you enough intelligence to make your way, enough innocence to enjoy the day. I wish you joy. I wish you love. I wish you peace. I wish you enough.