Disjointed

I expect the ocean to bring clarity. As I watch the soft ripples lapping at the shore I know I am home. My heart belongs here, but I fear its breaking. Disjointed…

I welcome the fading hues of dusk as the ferry pulls into harbour. Tomorrow that ship will carry me away. With distance I hope to create a sanctuary for focus, reflection, and perspective. It’s been an emotional week. My foundation is slippery and I am struggling to keep solid footing.

Breathe.

The sun has faded. The conversations are over. Distance is upon me… all I have left to do is pack, load my car, and drive… 12 hours until I can run away and find myself again.

Another cherry blossom.
Another shining 600cc.
Another day of sunshine.
Another day of unshed tears.

Courage. We all must create our own path.

The lights of the city are shining orange. The water has faded to grey. Above me I watch geese perfect their formation and direction. Memories are intermingled with hopes, friends are lost in change. I am constantly questioning who I am as I discover more.

I have said my goodbyes over coffee and hugs. There have been many “I love you” exchanges… and a few goodbyes linger in my mind. I know I am leaving something lost. I know closure comes from within and I have said all I can. I know I am leaving having reached some level of personal peace and sadness. I may walk away, I may have lost something forever, but I leave knowing I said all I could, knowing I tried. I wish I could pack.

Space. Alone. Peace.
My mind is a mess.
My heart is aching.
I want to leave.
Let me be. Let me be Ryann.

I am so much more than you ever suspected.
I am so much more than you see.

All I can be, I am enough.

Maybe someday someone will see through me.

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight… wish I may… wish I might…