Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Choices and Expectations

I’m on a bus to Brandon, Manitoba when I should be on a flight to Europe. This picture seems a little fucked up. I doubt my decision simply because I’m on a bus instead of a plane and I’m lost in a lot of uncertainty these days.

I don’t want to see Merrick, and I don’t have the finances to gallivant around Europe for two weeks. Perhaps I should have made it work, perhaps I shouldn’t have sacrificed a plane ticket- but I did. I feel a lot of frustration and anger towards Merrick, and I just didn’t want to spend two weeks defending myself. I’m incapable of explaining to him Who I Am.

Yes, I have a very powerful reaction to him. He’s an incredibly powerful personality and his energy can be intoxicating… or toxic. In one moment I can be totally infatuated and amazed by his passion and brilliance, and the next day be utterly infuriated by his stubborn intolerance and lack of understanding. The conversational assumption of “If you don’t want to be alone forever, why don’t you get a new job?” simply pissed me off. I’m alone because of Who I Am, and the reality of my choices, desires, and priorities. I’ve never been with anyone I could see a future with.


So I cancelled my vacation and booked work. I’m on a bus to Brandon while an empty seat is flying over the Atlantic. Ugh. I miss my friends, and I’m feeling like an outsider in this world again. I know why I’m here, and I was prepared for the sacrifice of my personal life this fall. I’m trying to establish my name, and reputation. That takes time. It takes work, and being away from home for a few months. Of course I’m homesick. That’s just what I do.

I found myself in an interesting situation this afternoon. I was invited to a friend’s house for breakfast and “church”. I felt old. I felt like explanations were pointless and I desperately missed the open discussion and acceptance of those I call friends. Religion is such a complicated issue, especially when beliefs are challenged. I don’t know if I should get into that… maybe another day… Right now I’m feeling like everyone who understands me, loves me, and accepts me is a million miles away… or 3000 km which really is far enough.

I don’t know what to call it, or how to define it, or even how to explain it, but I guess Sunshine is a bit of a relevant topic these days. He’s young. He’s lovely, but I’m aware of how distant our experiences are. I’m reminded of the struggles and frustrations of relationships from years ago. There were moments when I felt like I was in high school again.

I want a Man.
I still haven’t found one.

I don’t know what the future will hold for Sunshine and I. Really we don’t know each other. We didn’t grow up together; we haven’t had the time or opportunity to delve into the unique beauty of the individual. I felt him fall into the fantasy, and I watched him become enamored with the illusion of the lifestyle. It wasn’t pleasant. There were moments when I felt incredibly frustrated and disrespected. There were moments when I forgot to enjoy and accept Who He Is, and became distracted by What I Want.

He is lovely, curious, fresh, and young. I would love to watch him grow. I hope he someday becomes the Man I feel the potential for, but he’s not there. He won’t be there for years. I’m guilty of loosing myself in the escape. I wanted to be held, and cherished, and adored for a moment. I wanted to pretend it was real, and create that holy moment of unity. I wanted to hope for something.

I still hope.

I needed to find some distance from that situation in order to regain my appreciation for who he is. I do like him and I do hope that our friendship has a chance to grow. I like the feel of him next to me. I smile when I hear his voice. I do want to share something with him. I just don’t know what…

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  • At 4:29 AM, Anonymous newfieswoman a.k.a. ( nw ) said…

    It's good that you can still hope... It shows that ya hasn't totally lost yer beleifs. As for wanting a man?? Doesn't we all??? Hope ya finds all that yer lookin for in life.. Me really does

  • At 9:23 AM, Blogger maidink said…

    I've read this post over a dozen times and each time, I tried to think of exactly what to say in response.

    So, here it goes ...

    I realize this post is more about your own inner discernment. I know you aren't looking for advice or encouragment. I see this post as one of things you had to write out, to actually see the words ... thoughts transformed to fact.

    One thing I will say is the future is forever uncertain and can change in the blink of an eye. What wasn't there a moment ago may suddenly materialize, leaving you to wonder how life existed without it. And as quickly as things appear, they disappear. That's the unfortunate setback for all things temporal.

    And being alone is not a bad thing, being lonely can be. I don't see you as the latter.

    You are truly an anomaly, Ryann, and I don't mean that in a degrading sense. You are an intelligent, gifted, and talented woman. I am happy to have stumbled across your blog ... twice.


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