Ryann retires.

This isn't a stripper blog anymore because I'm not a stripper anymore. Something changed and I didn't even know it. Even though I left the stage when Mugs closed I was still looking for Ryann Rain to provide the path, the income, and the answers. Ryann Rain saved my life. I created her when everything fell apart and she allowed me to hide, recover, and rebuild. But I'm done now. I'm not dancing anymore and although I still have the occasional gig as Ryann the reality is I have to stop hiding behind my precious alter ego.

How do I stop being Ryann? I have no idea how to actually walk out from behind the cover of Ryann and take on the world as myself. I know in theory I'm more powerful. I know I created Ryann and everything about Ryann is just a reflection of a piece of myself but Ryann became so powerful. She saved my life. She is strong, hidden, and invincible.

My heart can be broken. I cry. I’m still detached and I need to get out of that right now. I’m scared. I need to be myself. I need to rediscover who I am without being a stripper.

Who the fuck am I?

I believe in love and friendship is the most important thing in my life. Friends are the family you choose. I love unconditionally and pure. And even though it surprises me I know now that I truly do love forever.

I have an unwavering, nonnegotiable loyalty to my family that hurts my soul. I love them with every fiber of my being and it kills me on a regular basis. I believe I should be able to fix everything. I have a very strong caretaker relationship with them and I just want to make it all better. It’s taken me many years to establish boundaries with my family and it doesn’t come naturally. I love them dearly. I think they’ve done an incredible job of parenting and I’m happy with how I’ve been raised. I’m thankful for the random pieces of advice and guidance I received while growing up. I think I was well equipped to survive.

I truly am invincible. My capacity for love is a quiet rock in my core. Trevor dying shattered my universe because I let it. I loved him. But more than that I felt a need to be with him as he died. I have a need to give. I can handle death. It doesn’t scare me and I know I will keep going. I was emotionally crippled for years and afraid to feel that pain while I was rebuilding. I was afraid that if I lost too much and added too much more pain while I was so raw that I wouldn’t recover.

I created Ryann Rain as a façade to protect me while I healed. I threw all my strength into her while I quietly licked my wounds in the darkness. It worked. I healed. I’m now fully capable of love again.

I’m a perfectionist. I think I should be able to do anything. I know I’m smarter than most and far more ambitious than many but I’m still lost. I need to be creating something, it doesn’t matter what. I want financial independence and I want a career that allows me to create something of my own.

I’m feeling weak because of the financial disaster I’m in. I’m angry about the car accident and resentful of what it robbed from me in the past year. I don’t feel emotionally ready to walk out from behind Ryann.

I’m 27 years old and I really don’t know what I want to do with my life. I wish I had a clear path.

Wikipedia defines "power" as the more or less unilateral ability (real or perceived) or potential to bring about significant change, usually in people’s lives, through the actions of oneself or of others.

How am I powerful?
Endurance
Love
Compassion
Ability to see and validate different experience
Education
Experience in the sex industry has increased my awareness and understanding of different social structures
Belief in the right to live and work in a safe and respectful environment
Ambition. I want to succeed
Perseverance
Personal drive and need to accomplish for myself, it’s an internal motivation.
Liberal studies and the skill to argue and dissect and argument.
Creative thought.
Passion
Friendship
Intelligence. I’m smart. I’m really smart.

My foundation is solid. I rebuilt from nothing and the structure is solid. I believe in myself. I know I will survive and when something crumbles I know I can pick it up again. My foundation is strong enough now to survive a fall intact. I’ve created a very strong foundation, stripped away all the weak bricks and systematically build my own core. I have taken many values and lessons from my childhood, retained the empathetic heart of my youth, strengthened it with inquisitive, loyal, and compassionate friendships, added a unique experience in the sex industry and incorporated the perceived underbelly of humanity and created my own values.

I’m strong. I’m always okay. My ability to cry is back and I’m better for it. I’m whole again. The belief that I can do anything — that’s what I need to get back. It used to be blind faith. It’s not anymore and I want it back.

I'm not ready to announce my "real identity" to the world just yet... it's enough that I'm starting to live it. I don't know if I'll continue this blog. I might have a lot to say... but I don't think it's as Ryann Rain anymore.