Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Define

I don't want to be defined as "the stripper".

and fuck it, I'm going to be arrogant for a moment. I'm 25 years old. I've already had a few careers. I'm a university graduate, and in a professional sense I've already done more than many people ever will... Yet some drunk trucker I went to highschool with wants to treat me like "the stripper", because it's so funny, and so hot, and so... urgh.

I struggle on a daily basis, while at home, deciding to be honest or not. Every friend I run into and every person I meet offers a new opportunity to be judged and dismissed.I don't want to lie, I'm horrible at it. I can avoid... but there's only so many ways around "so where are you living?", "what are you doing?", that can explain why I work in Alberta, my cell phone is BC, I don't have a home, and I'm never in the town I'm supposed to be.

But if I'm honest I risk a multitude of potencial disasters as I watch people's opinions change in front of me... easy... slut... sinner... worthless...

I wish I wasn't thinking these thoughts on my birthday. I had a great day, but that one guy just got to me because I wasn't in a defensive mindset. I wasn't prepared to deal with him.

It was a lovely day, but I prefer to socialize one-on-one. I like real conversation with genuine (sober) people. I'm having a real hard time reintigrating into society... primarily because I don't really have a desire to. I don't want to defend myeslf, or lie, or prove anything. I just want to be. Be real.

I want to go back to work. I can be Ryann in peace. I can choose what I do or not reveal. I don't risk anything. I'm safe at work. I'm lonely, but at least when I'm alone I don't question it.

24 was one hell of a year. I've learned so much about myself. We'll see what 25 brings...

5 Comments:

  • At 6:26 AM, Blogger Gadzilla said…

    Based on your first sentence and nothing else is what I base my comment on.

    You'll never get away from being treated like a sex object for the rest of your life. No matter where you go, if you look pretty and wear nice things, some guy is going to make a comment or try to hit on you in an inappropriate way. I admire women's beauty from a-far. I can appreciate your pictures and your views. There are a percentage of men out there that can be civil and polite around a woman they find attractive. "Trucker's" are not part of that percentage. I found hanging around the rest of the guys I drive with was never appropriate. The all hang around before work and talk trash about their wives and fart at each other. Hilarious from a bystander's point of view.

    Now, I am sure you already knew this. Even in school, I am sure a few people tried to treat you like an object or that "target lay". I've been guilty of doing that to people I cared about. I've even been victim of it. (hard to believe I am sure..) I'm not a great looking guy, but with some work I could become an object too. It might be fun for a while but I would probably end up with questions like yourself.

    So here goes.. a typical response is .. Forget what people think or do while your dancing. #1 Their drinking. #2 They don't know you and don't have respect for you as they are paying to see you naked. #2 You said your a university graduate so act like one. #4 Yes I did just use #2 twice.. did you notice?

    You sound like you can have fun and ignore the idiots. It doesn't matter if you grew up with them or not. Seeing a woman naked brings out some of the worst traits in a man or some of the best. I am sure its harder seeing it happen to someone you thought you knew and could trust that wouldn't have been that way to you. A so called "let down" if you will.

    Ryann, you may not know me or anyone else here that adds their 2 cents.. but I do care. Blogs aren't always entertainment. Blogs are a great way to get to know someone. So far, the picture I have of you is a very fun and nice person stuck in a job that she doesn't always like. Which sounds like most of us. Have a pumpkin spice latte for me and enjoy your family this holiday season.

    Come visit

     
  • At 6:28 AM, Blogger Gadzilla said…

  • At 7:43 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    I can not assume to know what it is like to have your job and not know who you can trust enough to tell the truth too, but I know all about the labels. I hate them! I worked in a corporate office for years, so labeled the "corporate princess". Before that, I worked at a stable, shoveling horse shit and teaching lessons, so I was the poor dirty stable hand, who "doesn't really work." I am neither! I worked very hard at the stable and learned a lot and I worked hard at corporate and tried my best to do my job. I now work in a small field service office with all men. Some of the guys talk to me, some just look at me as if I am just the little office secretary. Some of them think I don't have any respect for the hard work they do throughout the day and that I could never handle it...little do they know, I could keep up. I do my best to make their days easier, but I know they don't respect me for that. I was once referred to as a "morsel" by a customer who came in here...like I was just here for the guys to have something to look at. I am a very intelligent person who works hard with her mind during the day and works her body hard at night at the stable. They think I leave work at 3:30pm so I can go home and paint my toes, little do they know, I change into baggy jeans and big sweatshirts and muck shoes to scrape mud off my horses and push a wheelbarrow through mud and snow. I guess if they care to know why I leave so early, they will ask...but if they prefer to think I am just lazy and spoiled, then it's their perogative. I hate that people are too closed minded to try to understand you and why you chose your current profession. I say screw em! Their loss! They make you hide from the world rather than let you share all your adventures and stories with them. It's not fair...but as people are always telling me, "life is not fair."

     
  • At 9:13 AM, Blogger Ryann said…

    What makes a person jaded?

    I understand my job. I understand my role as a fantasy, and I embrace it. I choose to do it. When I am Ryann I am in a professional role as a product. when I answer to Ryann I expect people to know me in that context. I don't care what people think while I'm working. I'm talking about people who have never seen my show, who know nothing about my job outside of "stripper = nymphoslut" and treat me like a prize to be fucked while out for dinner.

    When I am home... out for lunch with my parents, out for coffee with my girlfriends, out for drinks at a restaurant... I'm not Ryann. I'm me. I had a childhood. I have memories. I have been loved and I have been hurt. I have survived highschool. Ryann exists as a sexually charged fantasy without a past.

    It is in those moments, when I am me, that I question being honest. It is in those moments, when I'm not the stripper, that my defenses are down.

    Gadzilla... if you would like to make a donation to the "Save a Stripper" fund you an ask on the Naked Truth. We really enjoy being told we're sweet wonderful women tragically stuck in this job.

     
  • At 10:32 PM, Blogger Angry Orange said…

    People judge others all the time. You are judged when you dress up, you are judged when you dress down, you are judged when you wear nothing at all. The only time you aren't judged is when someone truly cares about you - true friends and family.

    These supposed "friends" that change their opinion of you aren't worth your time. You are doing a job, something that people want and there is nothing wrong with that. Of course this is coming from an audience member who is open-minded enough to know that if you are enjoying your drink at starbucks not to come up and ask if you can sign the poster I got the night before.

    My advice - tell them everything - that shows your true character. Confident, fearless, and honest - A very important characteristic in a true friend. Don't change who you are because of someone else.

    By the way - Happy Be-lated birthday!

     

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