I love, I say...

I'm sheltered. I have no drug stories, or addictions. I have no dark secrets of abuse. I have never been homeless. I have never been in a hopeless freefall without a safety net of family and friends. I've never been beat up, or forced. I do not carry shame, and I do not suffer from self-loathing. I am blessed.

But I see it, and on occasion I can feel it. Empathy... I watch people. I listen. I might be anti-social, but I pay attention. I watch the dancers, I watch the patrons. I watch the people I pass on the street. Are we really different? I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a woman. I do feel pain. I do feel loss. I do long for something abstract and fulfilling. I have a university education, and I am in the sex industry. Now, I see it. Now, I know how lucky I am, how sheltered I've been, how thankful I am.

I am passionate and determined. I am sarcastic and suspicious. I try to have realistic expectations of myself and those around me. I am willing to sacrifice romantic security for this journey. “Not all who wander are aimless, especially those who seek truth beyond traditions, beyond definition, beyond the image".

2005 has been tumultuous. I am nearing on my 25th birthday, and I am reflective today. Eleven months ago my world changed in a phone call. I met someone on the worst day of my life. On the day my world collapsed. On the threshold of the internalization of the death of my unconditional faith in the world, and in myself, I met someone. I’m calling him ‘Whiskey’. I cannot define the relationship, I dare not. I despise it for the moments I wish could be. I adore it for the escape. I cherish it for what it is…

And then... in the months of autopilot that followed that phone call, I lost myself. I forgot who I was. I fell in love with a dream, I dared to hope. I dared to risk vulnerable faith. I desperately wanted to find safety and comfort in the arms of a kindred spirit. I was grasping for love to fill the void. I returned to my ongoing affair with Maverick. I wanted him to somehow lessen the pain as I helplessly watched my untainted perception fade into a memory. He knew me before. He knew me innocent.

Perhaps that’s all I could be to him. Perhaps this year has changed me too much. I know I’m not the same person I was nine years ago, three years ago, or six months ago. I lost my reality, my dreams, my sense of purpose, my identity. I'm still rebuilding, but I like who I am becoming. I am proud. I am independent. I am strong. I am jaded. I am lonely. I'm still growing and changing and experiencing. I am many things to many people.

I wanted to feel loved and accepted. I wanted to feel cherished and protected.

Part of rebuilding and rediscovering my identity has been to walk away from Maverick. I met Whiskey on the day I lost myself. I walked away from Maverick on the day I began to rebuild myself. I haven’t spoken to him since August. I think he expected different of me. I think he expected more strength and completion. I miss him. I miss feeling that someone knew me, understood me, and wanted me. I think he’s disappointed in me for dancing. Randomly he’ll ask my sister how I’m doing, what I’m doing and if I’m still dancing. Is he waiting for her to say “No, she quit dancing. She’s in school.”? I wonder if then he would call. I wonder if then I would be worthy of his love… either way… I don’t want it. He won’t be home for Christmas, I’m relieved. But I do miss what he represented in my heart.